The Cost of Love

 

Feeling a little sad this morning.  We decided it was time to say goodbye to our old boy Packer last night.  He was a fixture in our lives for 14+ years, and the house feels strange without him.  I missed him limping his way over to me this morning to give me a good morning hug.  He was a crazy dog...but he was so sweet and I loved him the best I could.

As I contemplate my heartache over a dog...it strikes me that God is love.  Jesus came in love.  The Holy Spirit ministers to us in love.  We are made in His image, and we are called to so thoroughly love that it's becomes a badge that enables the world to identify the followers of Jesus.

But there's a serious cost to follow that call.

It costs us to love.  It costs our very selves because love is an utterly selfless thing.  It is caring about someone else even above ourselves.  It is sacrificing and compromising and all giving...all pouring out.

Thankfully, love is designed to be a relationship - a two way street - a pouring out AND a filling up. 

We love God and He loves us infinitely MORE.

We love a spouse and they love us back.

We love and old dog and we're met with faithful tail wags, a little jump of joy when they see us, and a sweet friendly presence to be with us...even if they are a hairy mess with awful (AWFUL) breath!

It's designed to be good and beautiful - a literal reflection of the amazing heart and character of our Creator.

But still...there's a heavy cost when choosing to love in this lifetime.

Too often, love is not reciprocated.

Too often, "love" is selfish and cruel (not actually love, but a misuse of the word).

Too often, the one(s) who are meant to love us the most are wrapped up in fear and hurt and lies...the best they can do is respond harshly and selfishly instead of gently as they strive to protect their already wounded heart. All they can pour out to their partner is the fear and hurt and lies that they're ruled by...and this upside down culture of ours encourages this as "strength" or "toughness" or "independence".

And even when we do find/discover/develop a (near) perfect Godly love that removes fear...that is patient and kind...that is giving and humble...that is honoring and self-giving...that is slow to anger an forgives quickly...that is a source of joy and comfort

...even then, there is a cost.

There is the cost demanded by time itself.

We see the precious hands weaken and the wrinkles set in.  The hair grays and the walk slows.  Time marches...marches...marches...

We know where it's leading.  We tuck the dread away, and pray an earnest, "Maranatha!" 

Yet, despite the cost, I choose love.

I choose connection and tenderness.

I choose to give my heart...my whole self...away.

Yes, there is a very steep cost of love...

...and I believe it's worth it.

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Meet Buster

Well, the little bird finally came down from the attic.  And it turns out, she is a he....as indicated by the blue crest above his beak.

He didn't come down because he wanted to, that's for sure.  He was perched on a rafter in the attic, where Luke captured him gently in a pillowcase.

The girls and I ran to the pet store for the basic supplies.  Thankfully, we found a $30 cage on sale for $5.  

We'll hold on to him and take good care of him until an owner surfaces.  I have to believe this little guy is missed!  But....I have a little secret....the rain ruined our "found parakeet" signs yesterday....and I'm sorta glad.  I'm hoping little Buster is here to stay.  My kids agree.  My husband?  Not so sure :-)

Our only hesitation about keeping him?  All the reviews I've read about birds say they can be "noisy and messy".  Luke and I laughed out loud about that....He should fit right in!

**UPDATE**  Buster was a sweet and peaceful bird....for a couple of weeks.  Then, tragically, he decided to screech at us.  All day.  Every day.  He literally made Thomas cry with frustration.  I was hoping it was just a phase, but his tenacity won out.  He wouldn't stop, and I didn't want the poor guy to live the rest of his days with a dark towel over the cage (the only thing that would calm him).  So...we found him a very nice home.  Turns out, when you post "free parakeet" on craig's list, you can get rid of a bird pretty darn quickly.  I hope his new owner is enjoying him! **

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Can't Keep Up!

I have the happy problem of having so many fun and wonderful things going on in my life that I simply can not document them all.  I know, you feel terrible for me, don't you? ;-)

Let's seee....First and foremost, we have a very full house right now!  My husband's brother and his family moved in with us.  Yes....moved IN.  They're going to be here for about 6 months while they purchase a piece of land and build a house.  Thankfully, I love them to bits, our kids love each other, and we have a big house!  They've been here about a month now, and I'm loving it.

Sorry for so many blurry pictures.  I've definitely gone over to the dark side....it's just so much easier to shoot a quick photo with my phone than it is to lug my big camera around, then transfer everything!  Just another reason I really want that new phone....better camera resolution. Here are some snapshots of life at our house lately....notice the love busting through every picture :-)

Nick and Esther

Sammy with Stella

Thomas and Milo - good buddies

Thomas's 5th birthday (!!) was extra fun with family to celebrate with us

Cracking up!

And YESTERDAY....a new little addition....Meet Sadie Lynn:

So this is who's living at our house right now:
4 adults
7 kids ages: 10,9,6,5,5,3,one day

W.O.W. :-)

Let's see....what else?

My kids are all doing wonderful.  Ben has started the cello, which I'm loving.  Here's a video of him tinkering around even before lessons began:





Ben, Clara, and Sammy are all excellent students -- learning and growing and just happy busy little people.  I'm so proud of them all!

Thomas -- my baby -- turned FIVE!  Unreal!

We had a wonderful time celebrating our spunky little joyful man!  First, we had a celebration with his friends....homemade power ranger pinata, cupcakes, gifts, and games.

My Luke is such an amazing Daddy -- eternally patient and always
looking for fun things to do with the kids :-)

 

Movin' on up from the scoot bike to a big boy bike with pedals!

  

Then, on the actual day of his birthday (which is a school and work day for the rest of our family), Thomas and I had a sweet day of fun and snuggles.  We spent 3 hours building a Lego space shuttle in the morning (I love that he still has his chubby little baby boy fingers and cheeks):

Then we met Daddy at McDonald's for lunch....of course, as always, the box is the best part:

And then we went to the Boise Aquarium for an afternoon of petting sharks and "oohing" and "ahhing" over all the amazing creatures we saw:

This little boy of mine is such an incredible joy.  I sincerely don't think there's been a day since he's been on this earth that I haven't smiled and/or laughed out loud.  He's busy, joyful, affectionate, smart, and thoughtful.  Thomas.....I love you to bits, and I'm so very proud of you!!

A snapshot of my Thomas as a 5 year old:

See why I'm always smiling? :-)

Whew....this has been a marathon post....and I've barely caught up!  'Till another day...

If you'd like to be in touch with me on more of a regular basis, Facebook is where I'm at most days.  You can find my personal page here:  Daiquiri Facebook

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Quite the Father!

When some of our girl cousins came to visit recently, they camped out in the play room.  This was the sign they made to claim their territory:

If you can't read it, it says, "WELCOME to the sleepover if you are Stella, Sydney, Clara, Sammy, or parents come on in!!!!  No coming in if you are not a girl."

Ben was not impressed.

At all.

I was grinning from ear to ear as I listened to Ben and Clara bicker when Ben tried to enter the forbidden territory.  They were both so self-assured and logical in their arguments.  There was just a (sort of creepy) calm boldness from both of them.

Ben, "Let me in.  I need to get something out of there."

Clara, "I'm sorry Ben.  You can't.  You're not allowed in this room.  This is the girls' room."

"I can come in.  Step aside and let me through."

"But it's against the rules.  See?  Is your name Stella, Sydney, Clara, or Sammy?"

"No."

"Well then....the sign says you can't come in.  You have to listen to the sign.  It's the rule."

"Yes, but the sign says parents can go in."

"Well yeah....but you're not a parent, so you can't go in."

"I AM a parent."

"Ben....No you're not!"

"I AM a parent.  I am the Father of AWESOMENESS.  Now move.  I'm going in."

Clara's reply was the appropriate shocked look of awe and wonder.  With an argument like that?  Right off the top of his head?  He just might be right....he might be the Father of Awesomeness.

Step aside, ladies ;-)

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And ALSO...

As I drive my kids to school in the morning, we're typically pretty quiet (they take after their Mama, and are not morning people)....but I like to quietly sing a few verses of "Jesus Loves Me" as we make our way down the road.  I like the idea of that tune...those WORDS...ringing in their head all day long.

Thomas cracked me up this morning.  I was singing my typical little soft song, not even sure that he could hear me, when suddenly he said, "And ALSO, Jesus is God, Mama"

I could just hear is brain working...."Jesus loves me"....."Jesus is strong"...."and ALSO....."

Made my day!

Such a gift, these children. I learn more about God and how to go to Him as His child than from anywhere else.  Today I learned to think "and also...."

He loves me
He is strong
He is God
He is good
He is sovereign
He is abundant
He is gracious
He is Savior
He knows me
He has plans for me
He shelters me
He is great
He is King
And also....
     And also....
          And also....

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Kid-Speak

I was helping Ben with his homework and asked him to hold my coffee for a second so I could teach a quick lesson in fractions (which I needed my hands for). He held the warm cup and gave it a little sniff..."hmmm, smells pretty good!"

I was having a sweet cup with lots of cream, so I told him he could try a sip if he wanted. He tried a little taste, crunched up his nose, and went straight to the kitchen for some water...all without a word.

After we'd figured out the fractions, he handed the cup back to me, ever so gently with a matte-of-fact

"thanks for helping me, mom. Here's your disgusting coffee back, which I will never learn to love."

Hahahahhaaa!

And Sammy cracked me up today too. She's been enjoying the Bible based cartoons Veggie Tales lately, but I'm wondering how healthy it is...

"Mom, why was Goliath such a big deal anyway? They shoulda just taken a big bite out of him....he was just s giant cucumber!"

Love these kids!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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But You Can Call Me "Slacker"

As much as I'd like to be the blogger I once was, I'm just not.  I can't say that I'm all that sorry either.  Blogging used to be my way to "get out of the house" and communicate with the world.  Now....I more often actually get out of the house and communicate with the world in a face to face way.  I'm loving it. 

My husband said to me recently "You seem more whole than I've ever known you to be."

He's right.

What I do miss though, is the (mostly) permanent record I was keeping of my little family's life.  One of my favorite things is to look back through my old posts and photos.  It's amazing how time flies!  

I know myself well enough to know that I'm not going to get caught up any time soon -- my piles of old prints waiting to go in albums in the upstairs bedroom is evidence of my "slacker" tendencies.  But I don't want to completely let the memories be lost, so I'll do a quick overview instead...

*********************

My baby boy is FOUR!  Holy cow - I just can't believe it.  He's the most loving, stubborn, energetic, and destructive kiddo I've ever known, and I wouldn't change a thing about him!  He is a whirlwind of exploration, destruction, and hugs and kisses....I don't know half the time if I should be hollering at him or giggling at him.  So most days?  I do both simultaneously :-)  I love you, little boy.  I can already see the courageous and fun-loving man you'll grow to be, and I am so blessed to be your Mama.

As a side note....the day of his party was one of my hardest days.  I was STUCK in San Francisco after an R+F event, and I thought I was going to miss his party because I would be getting in late.  If you saw a haggard looking, over-tired, WAY emotional woman blubbering her way through the SF airport....it was likely me.  I felt like a horrible mom, and nearly quit R+F all together.  Thankfully, I didn't miss his party.  Or quit R+F.  

Samantha decided that she didn't want to play soccer this last season - so she was my buddy as we sat and watched her siblings play.  There is simply no one who is easier to spend time with than my sweet little Sammy:

Ben is turning TEN this coming week!  And Clara can wear my shoes even though she's only 8!  I'm so proud of my kind-hearted, smart, wonderful big kids!

Clara came home with this little tidbit of joy....made my day:

Samantha took the lead of her older brother and sister, and started saving her money for her own iPod.  She worked and saved for over a year, and finally had enough money to make her purchase after her recent birthday.  Holy cow, I am SO proud of her!

Yup, Samantha is SIX.  Why does six seem like it's about 3 decades older than five?  She wanted a "flower" party with a daisy cake -- it was so fun to make it with her :-)  We also found a pink poodle pinata, which was just perfect for my little girly-girl.  Sammy is going through an interesting phase lately in which she HATES to be called "cute".

"Well Sammy, 'cute' is supposed to be a compliment.", I told her.

"But I don't LIKE it", was her reply.

"Okay.  What should I say when you look especially nice then?"

"'Pretty' or 'beautiful'.  'Gorgeous' works too."

Well, okay!!

Samantha -- I love your sweet spunk!  I love how you dance and sing and pretend.  You are a gentle and loving spirit, and I just wouldn't be complete without you in my life and heart.  I'm proud of you, my gorgeous girl!

My work with R+F is going great.  I love the people, the "work", and the perks.  I LOVE having a hope for our financial future that is now a joy to imagine.  And to top it off, I earned a free iPad from R+F last month!  My little heart goes pitter-patter every time the UPS guy drives by the house -- can't wait to get it!

Finally -- change -- change is in the air.  The season has changed.  The kids are growing.  The business is growing.  People in our lives are movin' and shakin'.....some in fun ways, some in painful ways, but all good.  I've been in the mood for change too.  I'm going to tackle painting the living room soon, but don't have time for that project today.  Instead, I settled on a new, shorter 'do:

Have a great day, bloggy friends!  Check back in another month or so for another update ;-)  In the mean time, if you'd like to keep in touch with me on a more regular basis, you can find me on facebook here:  Daiquiri fb

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Catching Up Thru Photos

I love fall in Boise!

Evidence of a happy weekend:











My favorite time of day in my office:





Crazy sleepy boy!








- Posted using BlogPress from iPhone

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Humble Pie

There's nothing like the honestly of children to keep a person humble.  Sammy was my source of humility this morning.  I was brushing her hair before school, and I asked her "If you sing while I brush your hair, will it make me young and beautiful?" (in reference to the recent movie "Tangled")  Her reply?

"Well Mama, you're beautiful already, but you're sure not YOUNG."

Well ok!! :-)  She sang me a pretty song anyway...I checked the mirror...nope, no change.  I guess I'll stick with my new Anti-Age skin care instead.

The fact is, I wouldn't want to be younger....look younger, sure.  But BE younger?  No thanks.  I wouldn't trade my life now for my life a year ago.  And for my life 5 years ago?  No way -- I wouldn't have my Thomas!  Ten years?  Ack -- no babies at all yet!

And frankly, there is no amount of money on earth that you could give me to make me willing to be a teenager again!

I'm loving life.  My kids are strong and healthy and fun.  My husband is my best friend and greatest love.  I have God Himself watching over me and guiding my steps.

This.
Right Here.
Right Now.

Is precisely where I want to be.

It feels good to be able to say that, because I've been wondering lately if I'm on the right path.  Shouldn't I devote myself full time to running my home and caring for my family?  If I go back to work, shouldn't I make use of my engineering degree instead?  What about photography?

In fact, someone asked me recently if I miss photography.  It really gave me pause.  Do I miss photography?

Well no.  I don't.  Mostly because I'm still shooting!  But now, I'm shooting for ME.  I'm not shooting to "get the shot" that someone will want to hang on the wall.  I've gone back to my photography roots -- shooting God's beauty.  It's a sort of prayer or meditation for me when I go out in the world with my camera.  "Lord, show me You in this beauty. Help me capture it."  And I shoot.  I enjoy.  I soak up a God who is in the vast expanse of the mountains and sunset....and is also in the details of the wings of butterflies.

"But what about making money as a photographer?  What about taking family portraits?", he asked.

No.  To be honest, I never made a whole lot of money at it.  And it was physically difficult for me to spend all those hours crouched behind a lens, sweating the shot, and then processing on the computer and popping Tylenol to keep my arm, shoulder, and back from hurting with all that computer time.

But more importantly, I feel like I'm adding so much MORE value with what I'm doing now.  I'm building something valuable and lasting for my family.  I'm helping others do the same.  And, when I compare hour for hour vs dollar for dollar.....I'm doing a much better thing for my family.  Financial freedom around my family's needs.

But this work is certainly a life lesson for me.  It's a team effort, which is hard for the fiercely independent like me.  And there's an element of letting go of control that's scary for this type-A control freak.  I wake up some mornings with a terrible stomach ache...only to realize that I'm not even breathing right.  I want this so badly for my family and for each member of my team.....it has to be a deliberate choice for me each day to simply do my best and rest in that.

All I can do.....is all I can do.

In the end, it's really not about me at all.  I believe that this is where God put me.  This is what He's called me to.  This family.  This body.  This business.  It's where He wants me, and I'll give it my all....but at the end of the day everything about me is for HIM.

It feels good, really.  Letting go of that burden to do it all perfectly all the time -- such a relief!

I'm so thankful that we have a Mighty God.  A God who reminds me that all things are possible through HIM.  All things are held together by HIM.  My every thought is known by HIM.

It gets my eyes off of me, and on what really matters.....of course....Him!

Humility.  It's not about me.  It's about who I am relative to the One who matters most.  The One who matters, period.

This humble pie?  There's not a hint of bitter or sour in it.  It's the sweet flavor of peace.....of trust....of rest in the One I live for.

"Humility is the fear of the LORD;

its wages are riches and honor and life."

Proverbs 22:4

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Sweet Sammy and the Slow Death of her Mommy

I heard the bedroom door click open quietly, and soft little feet padded their way to my bedside.  I opened one of my eyes a sliver to see who it was, even though I already knew just by the rhythm of her breath.  Sammy said, "Mama, can I nuggle with you?"  "Sure, baby, climb in."

Her sweet smelling head of silky blond curls spread across the pillow as she tucked her body in against mine and laid her arm across my neck to pull me tight.  This little girl of mine.  A significant portion of my heart and soul resides wherever she is.  I don't quite feel whole unless her soft warm body is pressed against mine.  I kiss her forehead, her cheeks, her little button nose that's starting to show freckles, her closed eyelids.  "You're my favorite Mama" she purrs.  "You're so special to me Sammy -- I love you with my whole heart" is my reply.

My heart breaks a little bit with the thought that this is the last snuggle of the summer.  She starts kindergarten tomorrow.  Every single day.  My Sammy will be away from me every single day.  I hardly know what to do with myself at the thought of it.  I'm sad and will miss her.  I'm nervous for her.  I'm overjoyed and excited for her and this new adventure.  I'm proud of her and the little lady she is.

But she's not only growing up.  She's growing away....away from me like she should.  Like she must, I suppose.  God has plans for her that are bigger than snuggling with her Mama every day.  Sigh.

I'm not the only one who's feeling the strain.  Samantha announced yesterday that she was done with grownups and that she was running away.  

"Oh, Sammy, I'm so sad to hear that.  Why do you want to get away from grownups all of a sudden?"

"Because they keep making me do things I don't want to do!"

"Like what?"

"Like go to kindergarten when I just feel too shy to go!"

"Ahhh, I see.  Well, what are you going to pack?"

"Well, I'll need some duct tape to trap kidnappers.  And I'll need a big pan from the kitchen so I can roast up animals for food.  And my money.  And the new dress Daddy bought me.  And a tent or something to keep birds from pooping on me.  Will you help me find my Tinkerbell backpack?"

She was busy all morning packing her "runaway bags", while I made homemade pancakes for her breakfast and poured myself some coffee.

I can hear her thinking out loud about what she needs.  She has her backpack, red purse, and purple bag all packed and ready to go.  I looked up from the kitchen as she said "Okay, everyone!  It's time to come say goodbye!"  She had taken it upon herself to get dressed, put on her shoes, and take a potty break before the big moment.

Then, in a whisper, with the straps of her runaway bags cris-crossing her chest...."Mommy, I'm going out the front and will you come with me?"  

So we head out the front door and down the sidewalk as she tells me all about the injustices that grownups have burdened her little life with.

"Well, first of all, they make me do things I'm afraid to do.  AND they make all sorts of rules and laws.  AND  they don't let me have dessert enough.  AND they make me go to bed way too early.  Mama, I'm a little worried about running away."

"Yeah, I'm a little worried too.  I'm really going to miss you and I hate the idea of you being out there all alone.  Why are you worried?"

"I'm worried because these bags are really heavy.  And what if the police see me out here walking around without a grown-up?  They'll want to talk to me and I can't run away from them with these heavy bags!"

"The police are good and safe, right?  They help you.  You don't have to run away from them."

"Yeah, I guess.  And Mama -- do you think you have enough pictures of me to remember me really well?  I don't think I have any pictures of my family with me."

"It should be easy to remember me, Sammy.  Do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Well, because you have my heart with you.  I know this because my heart hurts a little bit every time I'm away from you.  I figure it must be because you have a little piece of my heart with you."

"Hmmm.  Mommy....these bags are REALLY heavy.  Do you think you could carry one?"

"Wait, you're running away and I'm supposed to carry the bags?!"

"You ARE the grown-up, Mama", with a sweet tinkling giggle.

"Okay, but I'll only carry them home.  Are you ready to go back home?"

"Yeah.  It's hot out here.  And I don't have a tent so the birds could poop on me any time!"  

She breaks into a skip as she heads back home, her ponytail bobbing behind her.  Oh, little girl, I adore you.

Our leaving the nest adventure is done for today, but tomorrow is another story.  She'll wear her special dress that Daddy bought for her.  We'll do her hair in "a pretty or beautiful way because I'm sick of CUTE!"  And I'll walk her into her classroom.  And I'll leave her there.  I'll leave. her. there.

I'll do what I need to do.  I'll be the joyful and excited and encouraging Mommy who "can't WAIT to hear about all of your big-girl adventures in kindergarten!"  I'll buy the special first-day-of-school ice cream cone.  But me and this heart of mine....I'm not sure that we're going to make it.

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