There Is No "If"

The past few days have been especially hard for me.  Who am I kidding...the past few weeks...months...years even. They've been hard as I struggle with physical pain in my body.

The doctor tells me that I have a torn meniscus in each knee. This is the first time I've dealt with chronic pain like this.  It hurts when I walk.  It hurts when I rest.  It even hurts to the point of me shouting out in pain in the middle of the night.

It wasn't very long ago that I would have simply booked a surgical appointment and had them both repaired.  That's the reasonable course of action, right?

But I had an unsettled feeling in my heart from the beginning as I contemplated surgery.  Of course, I don't love the idea of surgical pain.  I don't love the idea of the financial cost.  But most of all, I felt the prompting of the Lord to "hold"... to simply wait.

So I wait.  And I suffer.  And I miss long walks with my husband.  I miss hiking through the woods and working in my yard. 

Waiting doesn't make sense to my logical brain. 

In fact, I woke one day with certainty in my heart about having surgery - I felt peaceful and excited to put the pain behind me and get back to exercising and getting fit. But based on my previous certainty to wait, I asked the Lord to confirm this new decision to move forward with surgery.  Boy, did He deliver on that request quickly!  

I opened the Word that morning to the genealogy of Jesus in the first chapter of Matthew.  I read every word at the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and my eye settled on the name "Asa".  I could not read past his name, so I dug into the story of King Asa. The punchline is found in 2 Chronicles 16:12-13:

"In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa became diseased in his feet.  His disease was severe, yet even in his disease he did not seek the LORD, but the physicians.  So Asa slept with his fathers having died in the forty-first year of his reign."

My jaw pretty much hit the floor!  And I was frustrated and SO mad!  I wanted the pain gone.  I wanted to seek the physicians.  And frankly, in many areas of my life, I DO seek physicians with no conflict of conscience.  I take prescription medicines.  I've had surgery.  I've been greatly blessed by healing provided by God through physicians' hands.

But the message was clear - the Lord was asking me to wait and seek Him in this.  I was super irritated.

Eventually, I decided to settle into hope.  

For a while, I was eager in the painful waiting.  I figured that God must have something better in store for me.  Why else would He ask me to wait?

And wow, the Lord has absolutely knocked my socks off the past couple years.  The Bible tells us that followers of Jesus will see signs...believers in Jesus "will cast out devils, they'll speak in new tongues, they'll take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." (Mark 16:17-18)

I'm here to testify -- this scriptural promise still stands to this day!

I've seen it with my own eyes.  I've seen demons flee as I pray.  I've experienced speaking in new tongues.  I've laid hands on the sick, and they've recovered.  Glory to God!!

(Admittedly, I've not taken up snakes or sipped on anything deadly...not exactly seeking those things out haha!)

I've seen cancer healed.

I've seen torn ligaments in shoulders healed.

I've seen chronic and debilitating back pain vanish.

I've seen addicts instantly delivered and healed...they're not recovering, they're healed.

And most recently (and ironically)...a woman at church just walked up to me TWO DAYS ago, and she was giddy to share with me:

"Daiquiri!  I want you to know that when you prayed for my knee last month, God healed me!  He HEALED me!  He actually healed me!  I had a torn meniscus in my knee...and it's totally healed now!"

I rejoiced with her.  "Thank You, God, for healing my precious sister.  Thank You for the honor of being Your hands and feet in praying for her.  You're amazing!" 

We celebrated together, and then I said "you wanna hear a crazy coincidence? I have a torn meniscus in each of my knees.  Would you pray for me now?"

She put her hand on my shoulder and prayed for our good God to do for me just what He did for her.  Surely, this was it?  Surely this was the day of my miracle?

Apparently not.  I limped away from that encounter feeling rejected and heartbroken.

Later the very next day (yesterday), a woman asked me to pray for her.  She had terrible pain in her back.  I laid my hands on her in faith.  I believe that Jesus is who He says He is, and that He does what He says He will do.

She felt no improvement in her pain.  Her sad blue eyes pierced me as she said "I know He's a healer.  Why isn't He healing me?"

It cut me to the quick.  My heart broke with and for her because I KNOW the pain in that question.

As I stood and worshiped the Lord yesterday, tears streamed down my cheeks and wet the front of my shirt.  I felt utterly rejected and hurt.  The pain in my knees paled in comparison to the heart-sick feeling I had that maybe I wasn't loved very much after all.

I KNOW that my feelings are real, but they're not always TRUE.  

I fight to take my thoughts and feelings captive and to bend them to conform to the Truth of Jesus.

I speak "It is written..." over myself as I fight the pull of the black hole that is emotional turmoil.

Thank God for His written Word!

And even more, I thank God for the written Word's revelation of the living Word, Jesus.

So I went straight to the written Word this morning for comfort and an emotional "re-set".  I'm not going to wallow in lies for another day.  This is the day the Lord has made, and I WILL be glad!  Teach me, Lord!

The Lord led me Matthew 12:36-39 when Jesus scolded people who were insisting on a sign.  He said, "An evil and adulterous generation craves for a sign..."

My breath caught in my chest.
My heart seemed to beat louder than normal.
My ears rang in the profound silence that surrounded me.

Jesus was talking about ME in this verse!

Yes, "signs" will follow those who believe.

But I've been seeking His hand more than His heart.

Worse, I've been seeking His hand as PROOF of His heart.

Oh, Lord, I'm so sorry!

The scribes and Pharisees sought a sign...with impure intent:  

"IF You are who You say You are, then show us a sign.
Prove Yourself to us.
Do what we want when we want it."

So ugly...but haven't I been doing the same?

"IF You love me, then show me a sign.
Prove You love me by healing me.
Do what I want how and when I want it."

Yup - just as ugly.

I confessed the sin before the Lord, and I repented with all my heart.  He was faithful and just to forgive me and wash me clean (1 Jn 1:9).

All at once, I heard His familiar voice whisper lovingly:

"There is no 'if'"

I was swept under the wave of love that rolled over me.

Oh God, You love me.  You are good.

No matter my physical experience or my emotions, these two things are true every moment of every day.

I choose to believe the truth of Your love and goodness even when I don't "feel" it.  Even when there is not the "sign" of it that I desire.

"If He heals me..."

"If He gifts me..."

"If He provides for me..."

"If I see a sign..."

Oh Lord, I'm sorry that I've attached "if" to Your everlasting love and goodness.

There.  Is.  No.  "IF".

You are God and I am not.

You are loving and good and true.  Period.

Thank You for loving and forgiving me.  Thank you for teaching me. 

I will stand and worship and thank You for Your faithfulness and goodness...even if I must stand on throbbing legs to do it.

Thank You for your patience with me and my bratty ways!  Thank You that You are my Rock even when I make the mistake of setting my eyes on the wind and waves.

Thank You for Your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Words cannot express Your goodness Lord.  Please see the welling of love and awe in my heart for You, God.  Let the incense of my love and worship rise to Your throne day after day.  Night after night. Regardless of my earthly circumstance...You are holy and worthy and so very good.

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The Cost of Love

 

Feeling a little sad this morning.  We decided it was time to say goodbye to our old boy Packer last night.  He was a fixture in our lives for 14+ years, and the house feels strange without him.  I missed him limping his way over to me this morning to give me a good morning hug.  He was a crazy dog...but he was so sweet and I loved him the best I could.

As I contemplate my heartache over a dog...it strikes me that God is love.  Jesus came in love.  The Holy Spirit ministers to us in love.  We are made in His image, and we are called to so thoroughly love that it's becomes a badge that enables the world to identify the followers of Jesus.

But there's a serious cost to follow that call.

It costs us to love.  It costs our very selves because love is an utterly selfless thing.  It is caring about someone else even above ourselves.  It is sacrificing and compromising and all giving...all pouring out.

Thankfully, love is designed to be a relationship - a two way street - a pouring out AND a filling up. 

We love God and He loves us infinitely MORE.

We love a spouse and they love us back.

We love and old dog and we're met with faithful tail wags, a little jump of joy when they see us, and a sweet friendly presence to be with us...even if they are a hairy mess with awful (AWFUL) breath!

It's designed to be good and beautiful - a literal reflection of the amazing heart and character of our Creator.

But still...there's a heavy cost when choosing to love in this lifetime.

Too often, love is not reciprocated.

Too often, "love" is selfish and cruel (not actually love, but a misuse of the word).

Too often, the one(s) who are meant to love us the most are wrapped up in fear and hurt and lies...the best they can do is respond harshly and selfishly instead of gently as they strive to protect their already wounded heart. All they can pour out to their partner is the fear and hurt and lies that they're ruled by...and this upside down culture of ours encourages this as "strength" or "toughness" or "independence".

And even when we do find/discover/develop a (near) perfect Godly love that removes fear...that is patient and kind...that is giving and humble...that is honoring and self-giving...that is slow to anger an forgives quickly...that is a source of joy and comfort

...even then, there is a cost.

There is the cost demanded by time itself.

We see the precious hands weaken and the wrinkles set in.  The hair grays and the walk slows.  Time marches...marches...marches...

We know where it's leading.  We tuck the dread away, and pray an earnest, "Maranatha!" 

Yet, despite the cost, I choose love.

I choose connection and tenderness.

I choose to give my heart...my whole self...away.

Yes, there is a very steep cost of love...

...and I believe it's worth it.

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Job Description: Don't Work

 

God whispered to me while I ironed today


Have --->  Do --->  Be

vs

Be --->  Do --->  Have

As one of my favorite teachers shared recently, the world would have us operate out of a place of what we HAVE in an effort to eventually work our way to who we ARE/ want to BE = Striving. Earning. Grinding.

The Lord teaches differently. He starts with who we ARE…our identity. And everything flows from there = Peace. Contentment. Confidence.

As I ironed, I heard that still small voice say “this is a perfect example”

I used to HATE ironing. I mean absolutely loathe it.

But today I found myself enjoying it because I adore my husband. I love being his wife. I relish little things I can do to help him and care for him.

I ironed carefully and lovingly out of who I AM. I am the well-loved, adored, and precious wife of Luke Fouch 

The reason I used to hate ironing for him was because I was operating from a place of “should”. It felt like an obligation and a chore. I thought that to be a “good wife”, ironing was something I needed to do. (To be clear, he never once asked me to iron for him. He’s quite capable and willing to do his own ironing.)

I was trying to DO in order to become someone I aspired to be.

Now, I know who I AM, and I do things out of that place of wholeness and strength.

Do you see the difference? It seems subtle, but it’s a massive 180° turn.

The irony is that when I operated out of obligation and “should”, I never actually achieved my goal. All my work was for nothing. I was left always feeling like I could have done better…and that I was never quite good enough.

Now, I START “good enough”. More than good enough, actually. Everything that flows out of that identity is just icing on the cake.

It’s the same with our relationship with God.

The world and the spirit of religion demand our obedience and hard work to achieve the title “good Christian” or “good child of God”.

But God asks us to operate differently. He tells us right off the bat, “YOU ARE MY CHILD AND I LOVE YOU”.

And He expects us to operate FROM His love and acceptance…not FOR His love and acceptance.

The heart of it is this: can I trust Him? Can I rely entirely on His Word EVEN if it’s contrary to what I see with my own eyes sometimes??

Will I be a “sensual” Christian, believing my senses and experiences?

Or will I totally surrender and believe the Word NO MATTER WHAT?

It’s ironic really…the hardest work God calls us to is the difficult job of STOPPING all the hard work!

Surrender
Rest
Enjoying Him
Peace
Wholeness
Contentment

It’s a great job to have…and the benefits package is amazing ;-)

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Love Who?

Jesus: "love your neighbor as yourself"

Spirit of religion: "You're an unlovable wretched sinner"

Several years ago, I was exercising to a song called "I love me" (Megan Trainor I think). As I be-bopped along to the catchy tune I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "Do you?"

I literally stopped in my tracks.

"Is this song evil, Lord? Should I not be listening to it? Am I even supposed to love myself? That feels/sounds arrogant."

His reply... "Well maybe I should change the command to say 'love others more than yourself' then" with a wink and a smile

All at once His truth washed over me...the assumption in the command to love others as myself is that OF COURSE I love myself.

If I can't follow this most basic command because I've learned to "humble" myself to the point of loathing myself...how can I expect to be of any use at all for the Lord's purposes?

Have you noticed how the enemy uses truth, and twists it just a smidge? It still SEEMS true...but it only RESEMBLES truth.

Resembling truth is not the same as BEING truth.

This is one of those times. Humility makes sense and is proper before a holy God.

But that doesn't mean we spend our lives beating ourselves up and constantly being in grief about our sin.

Our thoughts about ourselves should reflect God's thoughts about ourselves. We are called to have the mind of Christ. So what does He say about you?

You're forgiven

You're loved

You're seating in the heavenlies

You're a friend of His

You're adored

You're a delight

You have purpose and calling

You have spiritual gifts

You're useful

You were saved, healed, and delivered

You are free

You have all you need

You are protected

You are adopted and fully accepted

You are able and welcome to enter the presence of God any time

I could go on and on and on...the Word is FILLED with beautiful revelations of what Jesus purchased for us on that wretched cross!

If you feel at all less than what God says about you, then friend...I lovingly say to you...you've fallen for a lie.

You have a real enemy who steals and kills and destroys. If you're living hurt and defeated and lost, then the enemy has stolen something from you.

As a believer, you have the authority to take it back. TAKE IT BACK!

Love yourself

Love yourself like God loves you

Get healed and whole and restored

THEN you can love others as you love yourself...and you'll love them well!

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On Fear...

 

I used to be tormented...TORMENTED...by fear.

In the first few years of our marriage, Luke travelled for work more than he was home. You'd think I would have just grown accustomed to it. Instead, I sat in a stew of fear and dread and imaginary funerals. It was a horrible existence for me every time he packed a suitcase.

The birds of worry and fear not only circled overhead...they had a permanent nest there. The noise, smell, and mess under a nasty bird's nest is no place to live.

This morning, I woke to those familiar voices of fear whispering in my ear.

As I went to Luke, snuggled up in his arms, I was about to say "I'm afraid, will you pray for me?"...when I heard the Holy Spirit say "DON'T SAY IT. DON'T AGREE WITH THEM."

Instead, I simply hugged him and told him I loved him.

I will not speak the words "I'm afraid" because I recognize the voice that is suggesting that I live in fear today. It is the voice of the liar, and I will simply not agree. I will not use my voice to speak lies.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear..."

Lord, please apply your perfect love to the parts of me that are being tempted by the voice of fear right now. You ARE perfect love - thank you for casting out fear!

Fear, I reject you. I do not agree with your lies. You must go.

I will set my eyes on Jesus.

I will worship.

I will rejoice and be glad in this new day.

I will testify of His goodness.

I will agree with the Spirit within me and His peace, joy, patience, love, and goodness.

My flesh has been crucified with Christ, along with it's tendency to fear. I now live and walk by the Spirit of God Almighty.

I am free...I am free indeed!

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Love Math & Why There's Always Enough

I was pregnant...AGAIN!

I was giddy.

I was shocked.

I was terrified!

Raise your hand if you've been there haha!  I hear it all the time... the greatest fear of a mom's heart when she's expecting another baby...

"I don't know if I have enough love for another baby!"

"HOW could I POSSIBLY love another person like I love my first child?"

"What if I'm just not cut out for loving another child?"

"What if this new baby somehow takes AWAY from the love I'm giving the child I already have?"

That's it right there, isn't it?  That's where the issue lies.  Or should I say, that's where the LIE lies?

Fiends....here's what I've discovered....

We've been doing the math wrong!

We look in the mirror and we see the shape of our body....the edges of the shell in which we live, and we see limits.  We see boundaries.  We see "only so much" and we assume that our love must be DIVIDED into the number of people we've been tasked with caring for.

We tell ourselves that "Right now I love as much as I can, so that must be my limit.  This max that I have to offer has to be DIVIDED and portioned out to all these people."

The natural world confirms this math, right?

There's only so much time.  Only so much money.  Only so much space.  Only so much energy.  Only so much...everything!  In the natural, we have to divide it up fairly and distribute it so everyone gets what they need...and boy, we do a lousy job of this in so many areas don't we?  So we see LACK.  We see "not enough".  We see limits.

But LOVE MATH is different....because love is not a limited "natural" resource!

Love is not a limited resource because it's fed by an unlimited Source, so there's always MORE to be had.

More than the sands on the shore.

More than the depth of the sea.

More than the stars in the sky.

And even those examples fall short because there is a measurable number of sands on the shore...there is a finite depth of the sea...there are only so many stars in the sky.  

Compared to the love that God can fill us with, the number of sands fall short...the sea is far too shallow...the stars too finite.  They are not only weak examples....they are infinitely inadequate examples.  Breathtaking, isn't it?

So rest easy, mama.  If you've been wrestling with thoughts of "I don't have enough love in me to offer another person"....start thinking in terms of multiplication instead of division!  Your Source of love is not yourself....it is God - He IS Love, and He is always MORE than enough!

"We have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God and God abides in him." 1 John 4:16

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

Lord, thank you for supplying me with even more than I need!  Sometimes I feel limited and like I'm just not enough....thank you for the reminder that I am not to trust my feelings because they shift and change by the minute.  YOU are true.  YOU are enough.  YOU are love.  YOU never change.  And, glory upon glory, it is YOU who lives in me!  I trust you, Lord.  Please reveal the areas of my life where I need to trust you more, so that I can earnestly surrender those areas and live in full alignment and submission to you.  Thank you for being strong in my weaknesses....may I be utterly weak in all areas so your strength shines through to the world!  For the building of your Kingdom and that all the world sees and knows your amazing love and grace, Lord Jesus. oxox

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