Pruning

 

The past two years have been some of my most painful.

Have you been through a time like this...everything is just fine.  Great, even.  All seems to be in order and on track for goodness.  And then, it's as if a switch is flipped, and suddenly everything feels like it's on it's head.  You hardly know which way to look and all you can think is, "What is happening?!"

That's how it began for me.

Life was "in order and on track"...

Our oldest child had graduated from college and was doing well.  Our second oldest was almost done with college too.  Our third had her eyes set on a school in Florida.  Our youngest was absolutely killing it as a high school student and athlete.  The kids were happy and healthy - thriving.  Thank You, Lord!

Business was good to the point where my husband took a job at our beloved church - a passion project for him.  Who knows that church work doesn't pay the greatest...you don't serve at church for the money!  He was helping, serving, and absolutely loving his new role.  It's wonderful to see my guy happy and eager to go to work each day.  We adore our church family.

I was serving at church as a volunteer - growing and learning and serving.  Oh, the heart of love God's placed in me for our church family!  I could burst with it each time I walk through the doors!

We had just sold our little house and moved to our dream property on 7 acres of rolling hills, stream, and woods.  My husband had gutted the house, and re-built it to our liking.  I was so eager to get my hands in the dirt to build gardens, do landscaping, and really transform the neglected land.

All of our decisions were based on assumptions of business continuing to be good, and our bodies being able to do what they'd always been able to do...

And then the switch flipped

The company I was with changed their structure, and our income literally disappeared.  I'd built and nurtured and prayed for that business for 14 years...and it was just...gone.  I wasn't angry or bitter because business is business.  Things change.  I just wasn't expecting it, and the loss was scary because we had major financial commitments to banks and to our kids. 

We learned of the loss just weeks after moving into the new property, and a few days after signing the papers on a new work truck for my husband.

And we still had 2 1/2 kids to help through college! 

We were not willing to default.

We were not willing to tell our kids "sorry, it's on you now".

We were reeling from the change and mulling over our options when my body seemed to start breaking down.

I'd had a tenderness in my left knee for months, but it suddenly became unbearable so I headed to the doctor where I was told I had a torn meniscus.  Within just a week of that diagnosis, I was back in the doctor's office with unbearable pain in my OTHER knee. 

"What in the world are you doing?  This knee has a tear too!", the doctor told me.

I was beside myself with pain, frustration, discouragement, and confusion.

WHAT. IS. HAPPENING?

I felt like a total failure as our finances and my body seemed to fall to pieces.  I was accustomed to contributing to our family in meaningful ways...and suddenly I was small and weak and needing help instead of to be a help.

Worse yet, I missed out on family fun.  I couldn't go on hikes. I sat on the sidelines while everyone played pickleball.  I had to be "dropped off at the door" instead of walking with my family. And it seemed to be snowballing...the less physical activity I did, the softer and more inflamed my body got.  The smallest activity left me hurting and exhausted.

Each week, I continued to serve at church.  One of my roles is to pray at the altar with people when the come forward for prayer.  I prayed for the healing of finances and bodies time and time again, and I saw God move.  Bodies were literally miraculously healed.  Jobs and windfalls came people's way.  Relationships healed.  Prodigals returned home.  Demons fled.  Hope was restored.  Rejection was rejected.  

I absolutely rejoiced for the goodness of God...but was definitely feeling left out and maybe rejected by God.  I prayed (and received prayer) for the same provision and healing I saw God supplying for others...but I was left suffering.

I cried out to the Lord time and time and time again..."Lord, if this is on me, please show me.  If I'm being disobedient or if I'm in sin, please show me so I can make it right!  Search my heart, Lord.  You know me inside and out.  You know me better than I know myself.  I want to be true and pure before you."

Crickets

I LONGED for discipline!  Even if it's painful for a short time, discipline from God is always in His love and gentleness.  And the best part, is that it's a turning point to get straightened out.  If I was wayward somehow, I wanted to know so I could repent and be made whole.

A sense of total defeat and dread seemed to settle on me.  I didn't know what to do. Was this just how life was going to be for me now? 

As I sobbed in the shower one day, I found myself crying out to God again, "What is happening?!"...I admit I didn't expect an answer.  My hope was gone.  I'd come to terms with "crickets" even though the silence hurt.

Through the fog of hopelessness, I heard that still, small voice of God say a single word:

"PRUNING"

The unexpected answer left me breathless as I let that word tumble through my spirit and mind for a few moments. 

I sensed the presence of the Lord like I hadn't in a long time, which made afraid to move.

I stood in His peace for a moment, and worked up my courage to ask..."Lord, can I ask?  Is it ok to ask?"

I sensed His smile on me as I came to Him as such a small and vulnerable child. So I asked...

"What are you pruning, Lord?  And could you please maybe sharpen the shears and just lop it off quickly to get this torturous process over with?"

Again, I sensed His gentleness and delight...but also a seriousness, like He was aware that this was painful for me and it wasn't something He enjoyed.  There was a sense that it was necessary work for Him to do because He loves me and wants the best for me...but it's not fun for either of us.

And then, oh the joy...an answer! (I really didn't expect Him to explain Himself to me  - I was just thrilled to be back in communication).  But He did!  He answered!

"I'm pruning you of self-sufficiency"

Oh, the explosion of understanding that overtook me!

The ways in which I'd been suffering were areas in life where I was strong.

But we are not called to be strong, are we?  In fact, we are specifically called to be weak in our own strength.  We are called to rejoice in our weaknesses because then God's strength can shine through.

That teaching can make for a nice little discussion during Bible study, but do we really think about what it means for our personal lives?  I admit, I hadn't.  Not really.

I'd prayed "More of you, less of me" countless times.  Sang the songs, even.

I'd asked Him...begged Him!... to remove anything in my life that wasn't of Him.  And now, I found myself sitting in the suffering of that answered prayer!

The ways of the world love to tell us that we need to be strong, doesn't it?  It loves to encourage us to "be your best self". It loves to celebrate strength and "making it happen" and "just do it".

But the way of the Kingdom of God tells us to be weak.

The way of the Kingdom tells us to die to self.

The way of the Kingdom celebrates submission and obedience to the Lord...even when we don't feel like it. To submit ourselves to the pruning shears even when it hurts like crazy.

How are my knees?  What about our finances?  Did we keep the house?  Is my husband still working at church? There are many more angles and aspects to the this story I long to tell, but the point of this particular writing is to encourage you, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Be encouraged in your painful seasons.

You might be experiencing loss and pain...but maybe it's actually an answer to your very own prayer for more of Him and less of you.

Maybe it's not failure or rejection at all...but the tender and gentle hand of the Father who loves you and is shaping your life to better reflect His nature and heart.  Know that you are in His love, and get your hopes up for seasons of more and more fruitfulness in your life...for your benefit, and His glory! 

xoxo Daiq

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:1-2

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

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If Something Can Steal Your Joy...

 

This quote from yesterday's sermon was like a gut-punch that just keeps sticking with me: "If something can steal your joy, it's become an idol in your life".

I literally gasped when he spoke the words.

All at once, I had a crystal clear picture of what the Lord's been doing in my life this past year. 

He's been stripping me of idols!

Scenes from the last 18 months play through my mind like a movie:

... a business I'd built for 14 years: just **poof** gone

... that business was our family's bread and butter, and we'd just signed on a new house 

...  my health went bonkers - a torn meniscus in each knee, hormones going crazy, and kidney stones so big they had to be surgically removed. Weariness, exhaustion, and so so SO much physical pain.

... a couple relationships that I was heavily invested in...my heart was WAY out there trusting some people...and it came crashing down in hurt and disappointment

... plans and promises that seemed like a sure thing - stuff I was looking forward to, dreaming about, and feeling wildly excited about...wound up being a dead end that left me feeling directionless, purposeless, and discarded..."demoted" is a word I kept thinking about in that tough season of disappointment

I suffered with times of fear and grief

But I also felt sincere and abiding joy.  My husband even commented that the "Daiquiri from a few years ago would never have walked through the last 18 months the way you did".   This is only because the Lord Himself walked me through it


Along the way, the Lord was faithful to be whispering in my ear and meeting with me in worship.

"Forgive", He whispered


I chose to be relentless about forgiveness because, well, He said so...and also because I know how dangerous it can be when forgiveness turns into bitterness.  Even so, a root of bitterness took hold... So the Lord delivered me from it like only He can.  

"Trust in Me instead of physicians", He instructed
(2 Chronicles 16:12)

So I learned to speak His Word over the "diagnosis" and "prognosis" from the doctor.  As I vocalized the promise of healing for my body roughly 100 times a day, the finished work of the Cross was applied to my throbbing knees, and I was healed.

My kidneys...well that was a lesson learned the hard way for me.  I listened to the doctor and believed every word she said about the pain I was in for if I didn't have surgery.  I got scared, and booked the surgery immediately.  

As I writhed in pain the night of surgery, no pain medicine seemed to touch the searing pain in my body.  


I cried out to Him, "Where are you?!  Please help!"


"Who said you needed surgery?" was His reply


All at once, I realized I'd never even asked Him about surgery for my kidneys!  I trusted Him for my knees, saw Him work a miracle, and then just jumped right back to trusting the doctor!


I'm not against medical intervention - God gives us doctors to help us.  But HE is the GREAT PHYSICIAN...He is the One who is our "primary provider".  And with my kidneys, I didn't so much as get His opinion.  


I apologized, and His grace and mercy and peace flooded me.  Lesson learned!


"Remember Who I Am",  He whispered as I received the heart-pounding news that my business was just dissolved.


The budgetary math was absolutely not adding up.  The payments FAR outweigh(ed) the income.


Panic threatened to overtake me - as my thoughts spiraled, He met me there again and said more loudly, "Remember Who I Am".

As I grieved and cried one day, I asked the Lord what was happening.  

"Pruning", He replied


"Can I be so bold as to ask what exactly you're pruning?", I asked


"I'm pruning you of Self-Sufficiency", He whispered


And oh, how those pruning shears stung!


The bottom line...I am not provider or planner in my life. He is.


He is the keeper of time, resources, and keys to the doors.  Not me.


As a "strong and independent" business woman, I was relying on my own wits.  My own wisdom.  My own "make it happen" abilities.


People
Plans
Promises (from humans)
Resources
Health


These are some of the areas of my life I was finding joy in...and when they left, broke, changed, and disappointed...my joy was affected.


The way of the world teaches us that all these things are fine and good....important, even.


And when they're rooted in Christ, the ARE good.


But when they're so important to me that they have the power of joy and/or despair over me...that's a signal that they've taken on a life of their own.


It's a signal that I've placed those things on the throne in my life that is reserved ONLY for the King.


"If something can steal your joy, it's become an idol".  May it never be so again!


Thank you, Lord...for clearing the throne room of my heart of anything I'd valued or trusted above you.  Thank you for your gentle and swift hand in the pruning and shaping...and for being so near to hold and carry me through the painful parts.  Thank you for the precious people in my life.  Thank you for the plans you have for me.  Thank you for the way you take such beautiful and supernatural care of me.  Thank you for YOUR promises.  Let your ways be obvious in my life...to your glory and honor forever!  

 

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The Prayer of Faith

 

Are we praying the prayer of faith, or the prayer of doubt?

Too often, we pray the prayer of doubt.

The prayer of fear.

The prayer of defeat.

We pray the PROBLEM instead of the solution.

Proverbs 18:21 says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit."

With that in mind, what does "the prayer of faith" in James 5:14-15 mean?

Instead of speaking about the problem and begging God to do what He already did and offers to us freely, let’s simply BELIEVE HIM enough to speak out what HE says about what we have going on. Faith…having confidence in who God is and what He says instead of confidence in our circumstance.

This can seem foolish or silly because we find ourselves speaking things that we can’t yet see with our eyes. But isn’t that what faith is? Yes…yes, it is. Faith is the evidence of things NOT SEEN, friends.

Even if we don’t see it yet, we’re asked to walk by faith and not sight.

So it reasons that the “prayer of faith” is the act of praying/speaking what we believe even though we cannot see it (yet!).

In fact, if we CAN see it, that’s not faith at all…that’s walking by sight and not faith!

At best, we too often pray a "double minded" prayer that sounds a lot like hedging our bet.

Check out this definition for "hedging a bet": "A hedge is a method to reduce risk and secure winnings for a specified bet. It means betting the opposite side of your original wager in order to either try to middle the game, or to reduce the downside exposure of the original wager."

We do this, right?

Original wager: "I trust you, God. You are my healer. You are my great physician. You are able to heal me. By your stripes I am healed."

The opposite of the original wager: "But God, if you don't want to heal me, that's ok. If you're not still in the healing business, that's ok. If your plan is for me to be sick and to die young, that's ok."

Here's what James 1:6-8 has to say about this kind of double-mindedness:

"But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Friends, we CANNOT hedge our bets! We cannot hedge our prayers. We cannot speak faith out of one side of our mouth, and doubt out of the other side!

What is the result when we do this?

I'm reminded of just how many times (a LOT), Jesus replied to someone seeking healing from Him with, "let it be done according to your faith" or "your faith has healed you"

ACCORDING TO YOUR FAITH

I'll say it as clearly as I'm able...don't let your faith be garbage that's based on what you SEE or EXPERIENCE. Speak the truth of God over your life whether you see it yet or not.

Go ALL IN

Friends, if I'm gonna go down....I'm going down swinging with all my strength.

All in on who God says he is.

All in on what God says Jesus did.

FAITH is not a whimpy Christianese term.

Faith is IT. Faith is ALL we have.

Faith is the ONLY thing that gives us access to the grace of God (Romans 5:2).

Are you with me, friends?

What are you struggling with today? What's causing you pain or fear?

I encourage you to go right NOW to the Word to see what GOD SAYS about your circumstance.

Quick circling the drain in fear and doubt...and get your feet on The Rock.

Have CONFIDENCE in Him today.

Trust what He says even if you don't "see" it yet.

Actively reject fear and shame and doubt.

QUIT. HEDGING.

He is TRUE.

He is FAITHFUL.

He is ABLE.

He is WILLING.

He is WORTHY of our lives lived all-in with Him.

ox Daiq

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RECIPE: Inexpensive Freezer Burritos

I saw a recent statistic about how much more groceries cost right now than they did just a year or two ago (seriously...let's NOT discuss the reasons here ;-) ). The increase was absolutely staggering!

Anyone else feeling a bit of a pinch at the grocery store lately? Maybe this should be our new "me too" movement haha

Anyway - I thought I'd share a money saving tip that I pulled out of my past...I used to make a giant batch of these every month or two when we were single income family with 4 kids, and didn't know where the milk money was going to come from. FREEZER BURRITOS!

After shopping, I did some basic math...These end up being about $1.50 for the chicken burritos and about $1.00 for the bean burritos (with my store prices - might vary a bit for you). Not bad!

Whip up a batch for a quick and easy meal any time :-)

Burritos are pretty self-explanatory, but if you like a recipe, here you go:

Makes 8 bean and cheese burritos AND 16 chicken and cheese burritos  = 24 TOTAL burritos

Ingredients:

- 24 burrito size flour tortillas

- 8 oz can of black beans, drained and rinsed

- Nutritional Yeast (optional)

- 28 oz can of refried beans

- 1 bag (2.5 lbs) of frozen chicken breasts or tenders 

- 1 jar of your favorite salsa - I used a 16 oz jar of Medium Pace chunky salsa

- approx 1.4 lb of cheddar cheese - shred

- parchment paper

- Gallon ziplock style bags - you'll need 3

**I didn't do rice in these, but I will next time!  Feel free to experiment with whatever you think would be yummy in a burrito :-) 

Instructions:
1. Toss a bag of frozen chicken in the instapot and cook for an hour. If you don't have a pressure cooker, just cook the chicken however you like. Make sure it's cooked thoroughly.
2. Once cooked, dump a jar of salsa in with the chicken. Heat and stir to dice/shred the chicken and simmer until water is cooked off.
3. To save money and avoid that weird powdery stuff in pre-shredded cheese, I buy chunks of cheese and shred either by hand or in a food processor. While the chicken cooks, shred the cheese.

4. Time to assemble! I do in batches of 8 at a time for simplicity.

- Set out 8 tortillas

- add a dollop of refried beans and spread off-center for easy rolling later

- top with black beans, nutritional yeast, and cheese (bean burritos)

- top with chicken and cheese (chicken burritos)

- roll tightly and wrap with parchment

- store 8 burritos per gallon bag and freeze

To Cook:

1. Pop the burrito (still in parchment) in microwave to defrost

2. If you like a soft burrito, cook another couple minutes in micro

3. If you like a crunchy edge like me, unroll the burrito and place the burrito on the parchment in the oven at 375 for 10 minutes or so

4. I like to serve with a dollop of sour cream, salsa, and greens

** HOT! be careful! You are in real danger of burning your lips right OFF YOUR FACE if you don't let it cool before digging in!

Enjoy! :-)

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The Story: DaiqRose Calm Balm

 

Remember when I told you about my new and improved Etsy shop?

One of the main reasons I started it back up is to have a place to share this amazing stuff :-) 

Listen, I turned 50 recently.  

My body seems to have no idea what it's supposed to be doing lol

My skin is a major culprit.  Is it dry?  Oily? Wrinkly? Saggy? Acne prone? Sensitive?

Who the heck knows anymore!

Meanwhile (or rather because of), my hormones are ALL over the place.

I had to finally come to terms and go see my doctor about what was going on with me...the joint pain, lack of sleep, hot flashes...what do the kids say?  I think it's something like IYKYK (if you know you know)...see kids, I'm not in the grave yet ;-)

My doctor said that at the rate I was going, I was being set up for loss of bone AND BRAIN mass at a younger than normal age.

NO THANK  YOU!

He prescribed a low dose estrogen patch that I put on my skin.  I literally felt like my old self again within 48 hours of starting it.  A modern day miracle.

But one day as I was applying this tiny little patch...literally smaller than my thumb nail...it struck me how amazingly impactful this TINY little thing on my skin was.  All at once, I had a fuller understanding of just how absorbent my skin is. 

I always thought of my skin as a BARRIER, not a sponge!  But there I was, absorbing the ingredients of that medicine through my skin.

Suddenly, the products I'd been using on my skin seemed very, very important.

Especially the products that I apply and leave on all day - the cleansers seem slightly less important simply because they're on my skin so temporarily.

You've probably seen tallow as a major skincare ingredient recently...it's all the rage at the moment.  

As I read about the benefits of tallow on human skin, I knew I had to try it. 

I got my hands on a local butcher, and bought some tallow.  I rendered it down, added a little olive oil, and applied to my skin.

I.

Was.

Amazed.

My skin became SO happy!  

This was literally a skincare product I could eat...and not just survive, but draw actual nutritional benefit from.  Crazy!

So I kept playing with it.  The first batch I made was pretty firm and difficult to rub in.  So was the second batch, plus it smelled weird haha.  But I tweaked it until I found something that works AND that I enjoy.

It's smooth, absorbs quickly, doesn't leave me feeling greasy, and it smells nice.  And a little bit goes a LONG way, so a couple ounces lasts me months when I'm using it 2x a day.

Bottom line...I created a finished balm that is AHHHHHmazing, if I do say so myself ;-)

I created it strictly for me with zero intention of selling it - and then I saw a young woman at church who was struggling with a terribly painful eczema flare on her face.  She was miserable.  So I transferred some of my balm to a little jam jar, and gave it to her hoping it would help....and it did!

She loved it so much, that she told one of her friends about it who was dealing with a horrible acne breakout.  I was skeptical, but hopeful that it would help her too.  I shared a little tin of it with her...and she loved it too!

Then my nephew had some sort of tender irritated patch on his neck...you guessed it, it worked like a charm for him.

And a friend who was battling a terrible razor burn type of rash...more calmed skin!

And another friend's daughter who was feeling embarrassed about her acne...more relief!

So here we are - this image is of the most recent batch I made - I have 12 tins available.  Supply is quite limited because I can only get my hands on so much tallow at a time, and it's a TON of work to render it down.

This is not some sort of high-pressured sales tactic ...just the logistical facts.  First come, first served :-) 

I hope you love it too! 

You can find it here:  DaiqRose Calm Balm on Etsy

ox DaiqRose

To be clear: I am NOT a doctor or even a scientist.  I'm just a SAHM who whipped some tallow balm up in her kitchen for her own personal use, and it ended up helping others. This is NOT medical advice or any type of prescriptive advice.  This is strictly personal testimony.  

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How I Lost 10 Pounds

Well, now that I've been sitting here at my new weight for a couple of weeks, I finally feel like the 10 pounds I lost are really gone.  I thought I'd take a minute to share some of what I learned.  Keep in mind that I'm no nutritionist or doctor or therapist...or expert of any other kind.  This is just what worked for me.

1.  Hit "bottom".  A wise man once told me, "No one changes until it's too painful for them to stay the way they are".

Momentum...it can be good or it can be bad.  It all depends on the direction you're headed.  For the past few years, I've had powerful momentum headed in the 'getting bigger' direction.  It wasn't until I realized that I weighed ten pounds MORE than I did when I went into labor with my second child that I hit the spot where it was finally too painful to stay where I was.  I wanted to be healthy.  I wanted to have energy.  I wanted to feel strong.  I wanted to look good.  In that moment of pain, I found the motivation to stop and turn in the other direction.

2.  Got help.  Somewhere along the way (probably during pregnancy, during which I ate lots of ice cream and chocolate and nachos...for the baby), I'd forgotten what moderation looked like.  I needed a giant red flashing "re-set" button.  How much food should I be eating?  What sorts of foods?  What impact does fat and sugar have on my diet and the way I feel?  What about exercise?  In the intellectual part of my brain, I knew what I needed to do...but it seemed overwhelming.  I needed help.  I broke down and joined Weight Watchers.  I counted points, I measured portions, I paid attention to my body.  It was just the "re-set" button that I needed.

3.  Suffered.  Losing weight...turning the momentum tide...it's painful.  The first week was really difficult for me.  I had intense cravings for all things sweet, salty, and greasy.  Until I tried to cut back on sugar, salt, and fat I didn't realize just how "hooked" on those things my body had become.  And holy cow (I mean COW), I was accustomed to eating GIGANTIC portions.  I was used to eating far more than even my husband, who's a broad-shouldered 6'2", muscular man! I don't think 200 pounds would look nearly as good on my 5'8" slender frame as it does on him...but I was well on my way to finding out for sure!  Eating healthy portion sizes left me very hungry (and grumpy...sorry sweet family).

4.  Settled in and listened to by body.  Once I made it through that first week of withdrawals, it became much easier.  I missed my greasy nachos and super-sweetened coffees, but not nearly like I did that first week or so.  And I  really learned what it felt like to be truly hungry...not to have the munchies or a craving...but HUNGRY.

5.  Found substitutions.  I still have my daily coffee, but I use a sugar substitute.  I still have my salsa cravings, but I eat it with a whole grain cracker instead.  I still have a sweet tooth from time to time, so I chew a sweet gum.  Olive oil instead of butter.  A dash of basil and garlic in my eggs instead of cheese.  One rich piece of dark chocolate instead of a handful of m&m's.  Balsamic vinegar and seasoned rice vinegar instead of creamy ranch.  I found lots of little ways to affect the number of calories I was consuming, and they added up to make a big difference for me.

6.  You've heard it before.  Yup, eat lots of veggies, lean protein, and whole grains.  I know.  It sucks.  I had this realization when I had a day during which I found myself out of my daily "points allowance" by noon!  What...was I supposed to not eat for the rest of the day?  No.  It was during that desperate day that I concocted a delicious soup...made with broccoli, squash, carrots, celery, brown rice, lentils, chicken broth, and some spices.  It was hot, it filled me up, and it was virtually zero points.

I've never run out of points by noon again, but I'm glad I did that fateful day.  I learned the value of foods that are nutritious and filling (and I've found ways to make them really delicious).  I now eat an incredible amount of veggies compared to the "here and there" vegetable philosophy I used to have.  On a weekly basis, I polish off  1 1/2 heads of red leaf lettuce or romaine, 2-3 bell peppers, an onion, about a pound of mushrooms, 1 1/2 cucumber...and that's just for lunches!  I also have broccoli, cauliflower, beans, carrots at dinner times.

(keep reading...some of my most vital changes are coming up!)

7.  Got fed in all areas of my life.  I read once that our body is easily confused.  Tired?  Dehydrated?  Emotional?  All of these deficiencies can result in us feeling like we need...something...so we go for food.  I know I did.  I still do.  But I'm trying harder to make sure that I'm sleeping enough, drinking lots of water, taking the time to pray and worship, and even letting myself just have a good cry from time to time.  It's just who I am. When I'm taking good care of myself in all these areas, I'm much less likely to binge on "feel good" foods.

8.  Exercised.  Calories in vs. calories out, that's what this is all about.  It's possible to lose weight without exercise, but you'll have to eat much less food.  I love food.  I mean I LOVE food...so I exercise.  

Keep in mind that not all exercise is created equally.  Do some cardio, but also lift some weights.  The cardio will help you to burn calories while you exercise, but if you take the time and energy to build some muscle, you'll see even bigger payoff.  Muscle takes more energy (calories) to maintain.  Just sitting there doing nothing, muscle will consume more calories than fat.  The trick is that you have to use muscle to keep it around.  God made our bodies pretty darn smart.  "I'm not getting enough calories here...better get rid of the muscle since it uses up more than the fat"...use those muscles and your body will be more willing to get rid of the fat because the signal you're sending is that the muscles are necessary to keep.

Don't ask me where I get this stuff.  Please remember I'm not an expert...

9.  Found something fun to do.  For me, boredom and loneliness have me running to the pantry for something salty and crunchy.  Or maybe sweet.  Maybe both.  Instead, call a friend to say hi.  I pray more.  I also try to have a good book going at all times.  If I have some down time I'll take a nap or read.  I also love to crochet - keeping my hands busy making dish scrubbies keeps me from using them as m&m shovels!

10.  Decided to be nicer to myself.  If I had a friend (or saw a stranger for that matter) who was 25 pounds heavy, would I look at her routinely and say "Sheesh, what a hog you are!"  "Are you seriously going to eat that?"  "Like you need help looking ugly!"  "Where's your self control - just look at yourself - disgusting!"  "No, you can never eat your favorite foods again.  You're too fat."

Of course not.  So why do I say these things to myself?  Why is it so much easier to be kind and compassionate to a stranger on the street than it is to my very own self?  So, I'm eating everything I love...just in moderation.  I'm exercising and getting stronger.  I'm working to be healthy.  I'm setting a good example for my kids.  I'm doing my best.

If I had a friend who was doing these things and working hard at being healthy and strong, I'd tell her that I am proud of her.  That I think she's doing a good thing and to keep at it.

Now...on to the next 10 pounds :-)

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Rejoicing in Him

What a whirlwind the past few days have been!  Forgive me in advance for what will likely be a long and rambing post. 

I've been so overwhelmed lately...in a good way...with JOY that is just beyond my understanding.  For those of you who know Him, do you ever feel him so near you that it seems that if you could just turn your head fast enough, you'd physically SEE him standing right next to you?  I love that.  I love HIM.  I love feeling him with such certainty and joy.

Of course, me being who I am, I always worry just a tad.  Is he showing himself in a powerful way because he's trying to prepare me for something painful?  I KNOW...what a worry-wart I am!  I'm trying to just enjoy this time and "be still".

Actually, when I look back on the past couple of weeks, I think he's been so near me and protecting my heart because of some of the people he's sent my way.  I've been having such amazing discussions with people who are not Christians.  Normally, I'd be filled with doubt and fear while I consider their beliefs ("have I fallen for a lie?").  But this time?  There's not a hint of doubt even way down deep in my heart.  He has truly proven himself to be my rock...my protection...my provider in these past few weeks.  Oh man, how can I love someone so much who I can't even see?!

I also have so much in my life that I'm thoroughly enjoying and having fun with...good friends, my amazing husband, my wonderful kids, photo shooting and editing, holiday card design, a good book to read....it goes on!  It seems like every time I turn around I'm excited to do what's next on my list.  It's a nice place to be :-)

*******

For those of you who have been praying for my Grandma...an update.  She's actually LEAVING hospice care, and going back to assisted living!  What a tough little bird she is!  She's said many times "Why am I still here?", "Why won't the Lord just take me home?", "I'm no good for anything anymore."

I hope that when she someday looks back on her life from her comfy chair in Heaven, that she can see just how much she's taught me in these past few "useless" years of her life.  

In the mean time...Grandma's going HOME!  Yippee!

*******

I've made a change in my life that seems small and insignificant, but that's really contributed to happier days for me.  I've rejected my bathroom scale.  Yep.  I just refuse to step on the darn thing!  I've felt so frustrated and angry with myself for not doing a better job of staying in shape.  And I've been...confused.  I guess I always figured weight loss should be straight-forward.  Calories in vs. calories out, right?  Eat less, exercise more.  Yeah...and then there's real life where I LOVE food and HATE exercise.  I try and try, but just can't seem to make that darn number on the scale budge.

I finally got to the point where I was just beyond myself and my abilities.  I prayed (why do I not START with prayer more often??).  "Lord, I don't know how to do this!  Help!"

From that point forward, I decided that the scale doesn't mean a darn thing.  And I was letting it have far too much control over how I felt about myself.  There were days when I felt great...I'd step on the scale and suddenly feel lousy because I was up a pound.  There were days when I felt like a walking marshmallow...I'd step on the scale and suddenly feel like a super-star since I was down a pound.

Really?  A number on a scale has that much control over my perceived self worth?  Unacceptable!  

So I stopped weighing myself.  I started praying more.  And that part of me that wants to cruise the kitchen for a pick-me-up when I'm feeling bored/frustrated/lonely/celebratory/happy/whatever....that part of me is suddenly satisfied with HIM.  

I've done a Bible study on the "Names of God".  The God who provides, the God who protects, the God who IS, the God who saves, etc.  I wonder...did I skip the chapter on "the God who satisfies chocolate cravings" and "the God who enables me to do 'banana rolls' without trying to jump in the TV to punch Tony Horton in the nose"? :-)

And the kicker?  I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in weeks, and I was down 5 pounds!  

*******

Do you want to choke me yet?  Sometimes it can be hard to listen to someone rattle on and on about how wonderful life is.  

Isn't it interesting how it can be easier to listen to someone complain?  Why is that?  Probably because we can all relate to struggles and trials in life.  We bond in our common suffering.  We (as people in general) should try to bond in our common joys...focus on the joy instead of the pain, don't you think?

For me lately, life IS wonderful.  It's all because of him...and I just can't not share.  

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;

let them ever sing for joy.

Spread your protection over them,

that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 5:11

  

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If I Can Do It, You Can Too!

I admit it, I've totally fallen away from my days of being a runner - I'm pretty much back to starting at square one.  In fact, after a recent (very painful) 2 1/2 mile run, I found myself thinking "I don't even remember what it felt like to be able to run a half marathon!  I can't believe I did that!  DID I do that??"  I promptly came home and paid $15 for the photo of me trudging along the race course.  It's on my bulletin board as a reminder to myself of what I'm capable of (that's it up there - notice how white my lips are - all my blood was screaming at my from my throbbing lower extremities).

So I'm back to the beginning.  I want to get in shape.  I want to lose 10-20 pounds.  I really can't think of a better way to do that than to start running again.  It's cheap.  It's effective.  It feels good (once I'm back in shape).  Heck, I think I even have part of a John Grisham novel waiting for me on my iPod!

PS.  After the race, several of you wrote and asked me how I trained for it.  I just finished up an eHow article which details what I did to get ready for the big day.  Go check it out if you're interested.  And hey - if you're starting a running program, drop me a line!  I love to hear people's inspirational stories :)

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So This Is Who He Was Talking About

This is Thomas, my baby.  Someday he will undoubtedly be taller and stronger and smarter than I am, but in my mind and heart he will always be this soft and squishy little snuggler.  We've been doing lots of snuggling lately.  He's transitioning from two naps a day to one, so he's spending some time each day feeling tired and irritated and just plain grumpy.  So we snuggle.  We get the binky out, we settle into the glider, and we snuggle while watching cartoons.  It helps us both keep our sanity.

I adore this little boy.  His little one year old body just melts into mine and our breathing settles into a familiar rhythm.  His skin is like satin.  He radiates warmth.  And his head...oh, the smell of his little boy head should be bottled.  I love to press my cheek to his soft hair and draw a deep breath...this is my son.  This is the one He was talking about.

Who who was talking about?  When?  Huh?

Let me explain...

In the winter of 2005, I started to have some strange physical symptoms that were scaring me.   I had crushing pain in my chest, breathlessness, fatigue.  After a while the crushing pain subsided into sort of a dull ache in my chest.  I wrote it off to maybe pulling a muscle while exercising because, you know, I work out SO often (ha).  But that's what I told myself.

In the back of my mind, I kept wondering if there was something major going on...but hey, I was 32 years young.  What were the odds?

I kept what was going on mostly to myself because I knew what my family would say.  They'd say exactly what I would say to them if the tables were turned - especially given the crud that floats in my family's genetic pool.  My own Daddy has heart disease, and endured a quadruple bypass when he was just 41 years old.  For Dad to have had that sort of buildup in his arteries by age 41, he surely had stuff quietly happening in his heart long before that.  Say...when he was 32...

And then there was that one night.  Luke was working late - I think he had clients in town and was out to dinner with them.  So I was home with my (then) 3 little ones.  And my left arm...it just HURT.  I couldn't identify any particular muscle or movement that was painful...it was just a radiating pain that started under my left collarbone.

So I did what anyone would do...I called my sister.

She's younger than I am...but not really.  She's wise, beautiful, strong - and has always been MUCH smarter than her older sister, the punk.  I love her to pieces.

AND she's a registered nurse.  Those nurses man, they are way underrated.  If you have a doctor who is disrespectful or dismissive of the nurses around them?  Find a different doctor.  But I digress...

I called Tiffany.  "I need nurse Tiffany right now, okay?"   "Okay" was her cautious response.  I could almost envision her putting on her little white nursing hat.   Not really - they don't do those silly little hats anymore, but I sort of wish they did so I could tease her about it (both my sisters actually...both nurses!  Can you believe it?)

I explained my symptoms to her and I waited for about 2 seconds for her to tell me that it was alright for me to just put my feet up and wait for Luke to come home.  But that message never came.

When I resisted the idea of going to the ER, she did what any good nurse and sister would do.  She threatened my very life.  It went something like "Get yourself in the ER right now, or I'll come over and drag you in myself."  I laughed.  She didn't.  

She's a tough broad...she could totally drag me pretty much anywhere she wanted.

Ack.  Dangit.  An ER trip?  Now?  I didn't want to go, but I knew I had to. 

So I called Luke away from his meeting.  He rushed home, and I rushed out.  We weren't thinking very clearly, obviously.  Note to self - if I ever have chest pain again have someone ELSE do the driving to the hospital!  Probably not all that wise to drive myself, but that's what I did despite my husband's desire to drive me.  I had to go NOW.  He had to stay with the kids.  I'd call from the ER as soon as I knew anything.  

I got in the car, and headed down the road.  It was an early December evening - pitch dark by about 7 PM.  It was eerily quiet and still.  It seemed that there was no one on the road but me.  The radio was off, there was just the sound of the running engine and my wildly busy thoughts.

I can still remember sitting at one intersection in particular - the dark and quiet corner of Victory and Overland.  You'd have thought it was 2 in the morning for how dark and quiet it seemed.  Or maybe I was just tuning everyone else out.  I was sitting at the stop light.  That red light seemed to almost pulse it's red light at me.  I was anxious to get going for fear that I'd chicken out and not go at all, but at the same time I was willing that light to stay red forever so that I didn't have to deal with bad news.

My mind was racing.  

Thoughts of fears, thoughts of practicality, prayers, emptiness - all swirled in my head at the same time.

Boy, I sure am glad I got that life insurance policy before this fiasco.  

Oh Lord, I don't want this to be happening.

What's that insurance policy worth?  Yeah, Luke could probably pay off the house and hire someone to come in and help with the house and kids for a couple of years.

I'm too young for this.  It must be nothing...my imagination probably.  My arm is feeling better already.

I wonder how heart surgery compares to the pain of childbirth.  

Sammy is so young.  Man, she wouldn't even remember me.  At all.

Do we have the money for this right now?  Can't this wait until I can go to my normal doctor?

Ben and Clara - oh, they need me.  They'd miss me.  They'd feel the pain of my loss.  Oh Lord, I don't want my kids to have to go through that.

Luke - my precious Luke.  I finally found him, and now this?  Will he marry someone else?  Will someone else love my kids the way I do?  Is it even possible?  I want him to be happy and to not be alone...but the kids.  What about them?  He's a great daddy - he'll do what's right.  I have to remember to tell him that I want love for him.

Why are my hands shaking?  Is that a symptom of something?

Damn.  The other light is turning yellow.  Mine's gonna turn green soon.  Deep breath, Daiquiri.  Don't get in a car accident on top of all this.

In a year from now, will my children have their mommy?

In a year from now, will my husband be considering the idea of somehow moving on with his life?  

In a year from now, will my parents and sisters be visiting me in a place I really don't want to be?

And then, to no one in particular...What does this year hold for us?

That's when it happened.  I was thinking my most unimaginable worst case scenario.  I was feeling completely alone and lost and fearful.  And then He spoke.  He spoke in that still small voice that is almost like a thought of my own...but where did that thought come from?  I know that voice - that's not mine.  And this time?  It was almost audible.  If I wasn't so overcome with stillness and peace, I would have whipped my head frantically to see if I could SEE where that voice was coming from, even though I already knew.

He said, "Daiquiri, my sweet, this year holds another baby for you."

WHAT?!?  Don't get me wrong - I loved the idea, but where did THAT come from?!  I was thinking death and pain and suffering and loss and fear and all other things horrible.  A baby was certainly not even the tiniest of blips on my crazy little radar at that moment.  And He answers my rhetorical question with NEW LIFE.

Sheesh.  Only Him, ya know?

My light turned green, and I drove.  My thoughts were quiet (except for the occasional "did I really hear that, or am I crazy?").  I was not afraid.  

Oh boy, this story could get really long.  I don't know though - you're probably not all that interested in every single little poke and prod that I endured that night and in the following weeks.  

Let's just say that if you ever want IMMEDIATE and thorough care in the ER, simply walk in the door and utter the words "chest pain".  Wheelchair...pokes...monitors...15 different people....a million questions.  I was thinking someone would take a quick listen with a stethoscope, but I got a whirlwind of every imaginable test instead.  Thorough is good, I guess.

They didn't find anything frightening in the ER that night, but I was referred to a cardiologist.  That good man put me on a very steep and fast treadmill, and monitored my heart while they kicked my butt.  I failed the treadmill test.  It looked like there was something wrong.  

Fear.  Nightmares.  Doubt - did I hear what I thought I did?

At the time, Sammy was just 13 months old and I was still happily nursing her.  But the next test they needed to do involved injecting a radioactive dye into my blood so that they could get a better look at my heart.  Unless I wanted my little Sammy to start glowing in the dark, I had to find another way to feed her for about 4 weeks.  I decided to wean her instead.

I wasn't ready for any of this.  I wasn't ready for this test.  I wasn't ready to wean my baby.  I wasn't ready to get bad news.  I wasn't ready to be begging for my very life in my prayers every 3 minutes.

The test came back just fine.  There was nothing wrong with my heart.  

A month and a half later, I learned that I was pregnant.

A year after driving myself to the ER one dark and scary night, I had a my sweet little 3 month old Thomas Robert.

I still look at him as my little ray of hope - my promise.  My evidence that I'm not crazy and that the voice I heard that night was exactly Who I thought it was.  And every now and then as I watch my little boy run around the house, chase the dog, throw the ball, torment his big sister...I think : 

This little boy was in the Plan long before he was here.  This little boy was meant to be.  This little boy is exactly who He was talking about.

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Race To Robie Creek 2009

I ran a half marathon.  I still can't believe it.  Well...I'm using the word "ran" rather loosely here.  It was more of a run/walk.  I'm guessing I ran about 2/3 of the way up to the summit, and then I ran the last 5 miles down to the finish.  My official time was 2 hours and 53 minutes. 

Here's our little running gang the morning of the race.  That's me in the pink, with my hubby in his good ol' Otter Pops T-shirt next to me.  And the gorgeous woman next to me?  That's my sister, Tiffany.  And then that's her hubby next to her.  

They call this race "the toughest half marathon in the northwest".  I'd challenge anyone to find a tougher half marathon...anywhere.  It was incredible!  I ran the first mile or so, then I walked a bit, and then I did a run/walk ratio of about 8 to 3.  I'd run for 8 minutes, then walk for 3.  I had to fight the temptation to really push myself right from the start... adrenaline and pride are pretty powerful motivators.  But I knew I had a long road ahead of me, so I stuck to my ratio.

It was fascinating to be in that big crowd of people - I love to watch people.  One of the most hilarious things I heard the whole day, I heard in the first mile or two.  We were just starting to get to a little incline.  One of the runners turned to the guy she was running with and said, "You didn't tell me there were hills in this run!"  

Oh, GIRL.  Not hills...a big fat mountain!  Was my mental response.  Tiff and I just looked at each other and started laughing.  I wonder if that girl will ever talk to that guy again.

It was a beautiful trail most of the way with a little bubbling brook next to the road.  "Is it me Lord, or is that water singing your praises?"  I was hot... hallucinating a little maybe?  All I knew is that it felt great.  I read a little of my Bible while I ate breakfast that morning, and I came across a verse that refers to the Lord as my Strong Tower.  That song...you know the one...stuck in my head the entire run.

After a while, it was so steep that I couldn't run.  I wore a heart rate monitor (invaluable, by the way), and it was my heart rate that was my guide toward the summit.  I was basically walking (walking/shuffling/crawling), but it was so steep that my heart rate was through the roof and my legs were on fire.  

It's a twisting and turning mountain road, so I couldn't see very far ahead.  Every time I came around a bend I expected to see signs for the summit, but it just kept getting steeper.  One of my fellow runners/crawlers was reading my mind when we came up on the last stretch of the uphill.  We came around a bend, looked up hoping for a view of the summit, but all we saw was even more impossibly steep road.  The girl to my left and slightly ahead of me stopped, threw her arms in the air, and hollered, "C'MON, YOU GOTTA BE S****ING ME!"  I couldn't have said it better myself.  I was totally and completely flabbergasted by how steep it was.

I stopped for the first time when I reached the summit.  I stretched and had some water, then headed down the hill.

"Praise God for gravity!" was about all I could think.  Lots of people hate the downhill because it's so steep and hard on your knees, but I LOVED it.  It felt wonderful, I was in the shade, and I felt like I was flying.  Before this race, a 5 mile run was a LONG run for me.  But those last five mile really zipped by (well, the last mile was hard).

One of the most incredible moments for me was when I saw the sign for the 10 mile mark.  I knew I was solidly in the territory of "never done this before", and it felt like such an adventure!  

The last mile was tough.  It leveled out again, and was in the full sun.  I was absolutely whipped by then.  I kept coming around the corner hoping to see the finish, but it just wasn't there.  I was starting to lose heart, when I heard a man hollering to me from the sideline.  "If you keep running, you only have ONE more minute to go.  Literally ONE minute.  Keep going!"  If I wasn't so exhausted and determined to get to the finish, I might have stopped and kissed that guy right on the mouth.  

Sure enough - around the next bend...there it was...the finish.  My thoughts went something like,

I did it.

I did it.

I can't believe it.

I did it.

Thank God it's over.

I did it. 

One thing I didn't expect was just how much my arms and hands would hurt.  My hands?  Really?  But they swelled up to the point where I was getting concerned about losing circulation in my ring finger, and they just ached all the way up to my elbows.  Strange.  Look at my big fat man hands:

Oh!  Hey!  Here comes Tiff coming across the finish line!

After some gatorade, water, food, and even some beer for the guys (I don't know how they stomached it), we headed back down the hill in the yellow busses.  

Here's an interesting tidbit of info about me...I have a recurring nightmare about being on a yellow school bus that's going up a steep hill.  It gets so steep that the bus actually tips backward and I go flying through the bus.  Then I wake up sweating and screaming.  

So....getting on a yellow school bus to drive down a mountain wasn't exactly on my "can't wait to do it" list.  But we lived.

I saw the greatest thing on that bus:

Tell me this...why oh WHY do they not send new parents home with one of these "body fluid cleanup" kits?  Seriously...

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Holy Crap, I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!

I finished the half marathon!  My finish time was 2 hours and 54 minutes, and I'd say that I ran more than I walked.  

I'm so blasted proud of myself right now, I can't even tell you!  It's a powerful feeling...to do something I've never done before AND something that I wasn't sure I could do.  

Lots of details and pictures to follow.  Just had to take a second to say

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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