Being an Engineer Was Much Easier

I graduated from college with a BS in Mechanical Engineering.  My GPA was pretty solid, and I had a couple of engineering internships under my belt by the time I went looking for a full time job.  I didn't have to look very far.  I had several offers for employment (some even with sign-on bonuses, and moving bonuses) before I hit spring break my senior year.

I went to work for an internationally known engineering company, and I was doing fun stuff.  I was working in manufacturing, and eventually worked my way into an R&D group and helped design a new inkjet cartridge.  I traveled.  Some of my work was patented.  I was making nearly 6 figures after working for only 4 years.

I was on fire - in demand - successful - working hard...

and totally NOT doing what I wanted to be doing with my life.

Fridays were my life-blood... strong gin and tonics ranked right up there too.  Come Sunday evening, I was in tears.  Monday mornings (and often times Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday), I knew at which stop light I needed to be done crying so that I'd have enough time to recover and look presentable at the office.

Way down deep in my gut, I knew what I wanted.  I'd always known.  I wanted to be a mom.

So, we did what seemed perfectly logical to me:   we got a dog.

And then another.

I took pictures of them, and even put the pictures up on my computer and walls of my cubicle.  My co-workers were kind enough to ask how "the dogs" were.  I went home every day for lunch to let them outside and throw a ball for a few minutes.

Still...the tears kept coming.

And then, FINALLY, we were able to start our family.  I sat in meetings day after day and doodled baby names in my notebook...all while nodding and throwing my two cents in the conversation to try and cover for my obvious distraction.  I munched pretzels and tried hard to not throw up during conference calls.

And then...the first ultrasound.  LIFE!  A heartbeat!  It was a love like I'd never fathomed.  I got the courage up to bring the little black and white photo to work with me and make my announcement...what a day!

I was 6 months pregnant with our first child when Luke and I decided that it was time for me to "retire". I gave notice at work, and within a couple of weeks, I was on my way to the life of leisure I'd dreamed of.

Well - that first pregnancy was pretty leisurely.  I slept a lot.  I ate even more.  I would lie on the couch for hours and just daydream and feel my little one moving.  I shopped for baby stuff.  I got the nursery ready.  I washed tiny clothes and hung them neatly in the closet.

This.  THIS is what I was meant to do.

My little Benjamin was born in December of 2001.
My little Clara was born a mere 14 months later in February of 2003.
Sweet Samantha followed 2 years and 9 months later in November of 2005.
And finally, our little Thomas arrived in September of 2007.

I look back at that 20 something young woman who longed for the leisurely life of a stay at home mom, and you know what I do...I'm sure you know... I roll my eyes and I laugh my butt off!

Any job which demands being "on" 24 hours a day, every day, for...oh...about 23 YEARS in a row is not leisurely.

Any job which involves this many other people's bodily fluids is not leisurely.

Any job which will beat you down and make you feel like little more than a worker ant...with no pay or privacy enough to use the bathroom alone...is not leisurely.

Any job at which multiple people are frequently screaming/hitting each other/ crying is not leisurely.

Any job with stakes this high is not leisurely.  As an engineer, the worst that could happen was me losing my job or getting written up.  Here...I'm growing PEOPLE...messing up here is far more problematic than missing a deadline or botching a presentation.

The idea for this post came to me while I was in the shower today.  I realized that it's been a couple of days since my last shower, and I had the thought:

Any job that leaves me putting "bathed" or "ate" or "slept" on my personal accomplishment list for the day is not a leisurely job!

And frankly, there are still days when I wake up and feel like bursting into tears!  I can't do this!  I'm no good at this!  I'm exhausted!  What about me?!



But you know what?  I love this crazy, demanding, exhausting job.  Love it.  I can't think of anything else that I could do with my time that is more important or rewarding.

Four people will someday go out into the world, and part of the good (and yes, the bad) that they contribute will be because of me.

Four people are (hopefully) learning how it looks to love and live for the very Author of Life under my care.

Four people will (hopefully) leave my home knowing what it means to be loved and respected and cherished.

Four people will (hopefully) have their own families, and will know what a happy marriage looks like.

Four people will (hopefully) gain the courage and confidence to be the people God made them to be...to live the way He wants them to live...and to made a difference for His Kingdom.

And of course, in the mean time I get the sheer joy of getting to know these wonderful children.  I get hugs and kisses and cuddles and "I love you"s.  I get to see their eyes light up when they see or understand something for the first time.  I get to smell their sweet heads after bath time.  I get to press my cheek to their soft cheek as I tuck them all cozy in their beds at night.  I get to be the first woman my sons share a dance with.  I get to trim the hair and clean the ears.  I get to hear the silly songs and jokes.  I get to mark their growth with a mark on the pantry door each year.  I get to practice spelling words and bake cookies and birthday cakes.  I get to be the Mom.

Yeah, being an engineer was far, far easier and less stressful than this motherhood gig.  And sure, the pay here might stink, but the benefits...the benefits positively ROCK.

Read more...

How I Lost 10 Pounds

Well, now that I've been sitting here at my new weight for a couple of weeks, I finally feel like the 10 pounds I lost are really gone.  I thought I'd take a minute to share some of what I learned.  Keep in mind that I'm no nutritionist or doctor or therapist...or expert of any other kind.  This is just what worked for me.

1.  Hit "bottom".  A wise man once told me, "No one changes until it's too painful for them to stay the way they are".

Momentum...it can be good or it can be bad.  It all depends on the direction you're headed.  For the past few years, I've had powerful momentum headed in the 'getting bigger' direction.  It wasn't until I realized that I weighed ten pounds MORE than I did when I went into labor with my second child that I hit the spot where it was finally too painful to stay where I was.  I wanted to be healthy.  I wanted to have energy.  I wanted to feel strong.  I wanted to look good.  In that moment of pain, I found the motivation to stop and turn in the other direction.

2.  Got help.  Somewhere along the way (probably during pregnancy, during which I ate lots of ice cream and chocolate and nachos...for the baby), I'd forgotten what moderation looked like.  I needed a giant red flashing "re-set" button.  How much food should I be eating?  What sorts of foods?  What impact does fat and sugar have on my diet and the way I feel?  What about exercise?  In the intellectual part of my brain, I knew what I needed to do...but it seemed overwhelming.  I needed help.  I broke down and joined Weight Watchers.  I counted points, I measured portions, I paid attention to my body.  It was just the "re-set" button that I needed.

3.  Suffered.  Losing weight...turning the momentum tide...it's painful.  The first week was really difficult for me.  I had intense cravings for all things sweet, salty, and greasy.  Until I tried to cut back on sugar, salt, and fat I didn't realize just how "hooked" on those things my body had become.  And holy cow (I mean COW), I was accustomed to eating GIGANTIC portions.  I was used to eating far more than even my husband, who's a broad-shouldered 6'2", muscular man! I don't think 200 pounds would look nearly as good on my 5'8" slender frame as it does on him...but I was well on my way to finding out for sure!  Eating healthy portion sizes left me very hungry (and grumpy...sorry sweet family).

4.  Settled in and listened to by body.  Once I made it through that first week of withdrawals, it became much easier.  I missed my greasy nachos and super-sweetened coffees, but not nearly like I did that first week or so.  And I  really learned what it felt like to be truly hungry...not to have the munchies or a craving...but HUNGRY.

5.  Found substitutions.  I still have my daily coffee, but I use a sugar substitute.  I still have my salsa cravings, but I eat it with a whole grain cracker instead.  I still have a sweet tooth from time to time, so I chew a sweet gum.  Olive oil instead of butter.  A dash of basil and garlic in my eggs instead of cheese.  One rich piece of dark chocolate instead of a handful of m&m's.  Balsamic vinegar and seasoned rice vinegar instead of creamy ranch.  I found lots of little ways to affect the number of calories I was consuming, and they added up to make a big difference for me.

6.  You've heard it before.  Yup, eat lots of veggies, lean protein, and whole grains.  I know.  It sucks.  I had this realization when I had a day during which I found myself out of my daily "points allowance" by noon!  What...was I supposed to not eat for the rest of the day?  No.  It was during that desperate day that I concocted a delicious soup...made with broccoli, squash, carrots, celery, brown rice, lentils, chicken broth, and some spices.  It was hot, it filled me up, and it was virtually zero points.

I've never run out of points by noon again, but I'm glad I did that fateful day.  I learned the value of foods that are nutritious and filling (and I've found ways to make them really delicious).  I now eat an incredible amount of veggies compared to the "here and there" vegetable philosophy I used to have.  On a weekly basis, I polish off  1 1/2 heads of red leaf lettuce or romaine, 2-3 bell peppers, an onion, about a pound of mushrooms, 1 1/2 cucumber...and that's just for lunches!  I also have broccoli, cauliflower, beans, carrots at dinner times.

(keep reading...some of my most vital changes are coming up!)

7.  Got fed in all areas of my life.  I read once that our body is easily confused.  Tired?  Dehydrated?  Emotional?  All of these deficiencies can result in us feeling like we need...something...so we go for food.  I know I did.  I still do.  But I'm trying harder to make sure that I'm sleeping enough, drinking lots of water, taking the time to pray and worship, and even letting myself just have a good cry from time to time.  It's just who I am. When I'm taking good care of myself in all these areas, I'm much less likely to binge on "feel good" foods.

8.  Exercised.  Calories in vs. calories out, that's what this is all about.  It's possible to lose weight without exercise, but you'll have to eat much less food.  I love food.  I mean I LOVE food...so I exercise.  

Keep in mind that not all exercise is created equally.  Do some cardio, but also lift some weights.  The cardio will help you to burn calories while you exercise, but if you take the time and energy to build some muscle, you'll see even bigger payoff.  Muscle takes more energy (calories) to maintain.  Just sitting there doing nothing, muscle will consume more calories than fat.  The trick is that you have to use muscle to keep it around.  God made our bodies pretty darn smart.  "I'm not getting enough calories here...better get rid of the muscle since it uses up more than the fat"...use those muscles and your body will be more willing to get rid of the fat because the signal you're sending is that the muscles are necessary to keep.

Don't ask me where I get this stuff.  Please remember I'm not an expert...

9.  Found something fun to do.  For me, boredom and loneliness have me running to the pantry for something salty and crunchy.  Or maybe sweet.  Maybe both.  Instead, call a friend to say hi.  I pray more.  I also try to have a good book going at all times.  If I have some down time I'll take a nap or read.  I also love to crochet - keeping my hands busy making dish scrubbies keeps me from using them as m&m shovels!

10.  Decided to be nicer to myself.  If I had a friend (or saw a stranger for that matter) who was 25 pounds heavy, would I look at her routinely and say "Sheesh, what a hog you are!"  "Are you seriously going to eat that?"  "Like you need help looking ugly!"  "Where's your self control - just look at yourself - disgusting!"  "No, you can never eat your favorite foods again.  You're too fat."

Of course not.  So why do I say these things to myself?  Why is it so much easier to be kind and compassionate to a stranger on the street than it is to my very own self?  So, I'm eating everything I love...just in moderation.  I'm exercising and getting stronger.  I'm working to be healthy.  I'm setting a good example for my kids.  I'm doing my best.

If I had a friend who was doing these things and working hard at being healthy and strong, I'd tell her that I am proud of her.  That I think she's doing a good thing and to keep at it.

Now...on to the next 10 pounds :-)

Read more...

Sitting Here Being Still

Howdy :-)

Boy, I haven't written in a long time!  I have a long mental list of things I want to share with you, or at least get down on paper so my kids can read it someday, but I've been busy.

Busy doing a whole lot of nothing.

Okay - been sitting here staring at this screen for a while now.  Where did all my words go?

I just have such a deep and overwhelming need to be quiet and still lately.  It feels as if He took my words, my very thoughts, so that I can sit quietly and listen.  But I keep thinking that I'm not hearing what He's trying to say despite my silence.

I'm left here in this quiet place...sitting in my favorite chair and watching the golden finches on my feeder...watching the clouds float in and then back out...just listening.  Being here.  It's not like I'm uneasy in this silence.  Quite the contrary - my words are just flat GONE.

Did I have a stroke or something?  Really - it's that consuming.  Empty.  My brain is just...empty.

Okay...enjoy this time of snickering and giggling.  Many of you have probably known for years that there's a larger than normal void between my ears ;-)

My sweet Jesus has been close lately.  At first, His presence is always wonderful and good.  It's like an embrace from a loved one who I haven't seen for a while.  It's sort of like coming home.  Yeah, this is where I belong.  How can He be so real - physically real, when I can't see Him?

But my joy of His nearness is always short lived.  Immediately, my paranoid brain says "Wait, why are you here?  What do you want?  What are you trying to tell me?  What are you trying to prepare me for?  I'm scared!"  And then I shoo Him out the door and try to get on with my "normal" life of being his child...from a safe distance.

Sometimes He stays despite my pitter-patter of fearful questions...and I just cry.  Sometimes I just can't do anything but close my eyes and let the tears come for the joy of just being with Him.

Last night at church, I was standing there with my eyes closed during worship.  I was looking to Him...at a loss for words.  He's been near me long enough during this last week or so that I've exhausted all my questions and fears.  I'm just waiting.  Waiting for the revelation to come.  Waiting for the tragedy to come.  Waiting for the shoe to fall and crush me to bits.

As I sat there and just spent time with him while the words of worship washed over me, a single word bombarded my brain:

LOVE

Yeah, yeah, I know, you love me.

But you know what?  I don't think I do.  Not really.  Not way down deep where it can change me and heal me and make me whole.  Not where it takes away my fears.  Not where I feel truly safe.

Is that what you have for me here in this quiet place?  Did you stick around through my babbling and crying and fears and trying to shoo you away to show me just how near you can be?  That you are near because you love me?  Not to prepare me for a terrible and painful something that always seems to haunt me?  Maybe you didn't just save me...maybe you aren't just doing a good work in me...maybe you want to just embrace me and bless me with your nearness...maybe you love me?  Love.  Me. 


It doesn't make sense.  Don't you know who I am?  I'm bossy.  I'm proud.  I'm sinful.  I'm selfish.  I scream and holler.  I'm fearful.  I worry.  I covet.  I criticize.  And the things I've done...oh, the things I've DONE.  What are you doing with ME?  You love ME?

It doesn't seem possible.

...
...
...


Here I am without words again.  Maybe it's time for all of this to just sink in a bit.

Read more...

Hittin' the Road

We're headed out of town tomorrow - on an 8 1/2 hour road trip.  WITH.  THE.  KIDS.

Trying not to panic here ;-)  It'll be fun.  I've already made a batch of chex mix, picked up some bottles of water and grapes, and of course...strawberry Twizzlers.  A road trip without Twizzlers is just no road trip at all.  The same goes for egg salad sandwiches packed in a little cooler, but Clara and I are the only ones in this family who even like egg salad, so I think we'll stick with the plan to stop for burgers at lunch time.

I feel like I lived half my childhood on the road - it seemed we were always driving the long drive to see the Grandparents.  Of course, there was plenty of bickering, plenty of "turn that down" and "don't kick my seat" and "pass the Twizzlers...what do you MEAN they're gone?!".  Mostly though, I just remember good times rolling around in the very back of the big blue station wagon listening to "Tiffany" or Debbie Gibson on my walkman.

Then there was that ONE trip where we drove the tiny little Datsun 210...and there was a lightening incident.  I'm not sure if our car got hit by it, or if it just struck deafeningly close to our car.  Scary.  And, since I was a naive kid, really really cool!

I had grand plans to blog my little brain to mush this week, but well, we've been getting ready for a trip.  Laundry had to prevail if we were to have anything to wear this weekend.  I did find time to finally process a photo shoot before we leave tomorrow though.  What else was I supposed to do while I procrastinated all day today and pretended that we're not actually leaving?

Luke emailed me today with a single word:  "Ready?"  I responded with an enthusiastic "READY!"

He came home to a messy house, laundry not put away, zero packing done, no idea what the kids are wearing for the big dinner tomorrow night, etc.  He looked at me and said "Ready?",with a confused look.

Well...I'm ready...mentally.

I sucked him into my procrastination loop too.  I'm blogging.  he's sitting in the front yard drinking a beer and watching the kids ride bikes.  I'm going to push publish now, and go join him.  What's a trip, if I'm not up until midnight pulling things together at the last minute? ;-)

PS.  Remember this lady?

Well, she looks awesome with straight hair too:

Click on over to my photo blog to see more if you'd like

Read more...

A Real Weekend

I've been in need of a real weekend for...ages, it seems. My hard working man has been just about killing himself to do his usual excellent work at TWO jobs...I've missed him. We've all missed him. We missed good old fashioned family time.

But this weekend was like a breath of fresh air. We each took a day to sleep in. The kids played outside for hours. We took a long hike in the the foothills (or "up a big mountain" if you ask Sammy). We visited my sister and her family - ate a yummy meal, fed the bull, got attacked by chickens, and played a little ball. We even watched a movie after the kids fell into bed with sheer exhaustion. And there was a little work - I finished a project that I've been struggling through for months (I'll share more later when I won't ruin the surprise), and Luke made another sale! Yahoo!

Who knew such ordinary life could be bliss?

I've fallen behind in blogging - there's so much I want to share! I have some recipes to get down, some Easter pictures to post, a little weight loss news, even some amazing lessons that God has been good enough to whisper in this little ear of mine. Where to start?

Instead of starting at the beginning, I'll start with pictures from yesterday's hike. I was happily sitting in my favorite chair reading and sipping coffee, when Luke whispered in my ear "Let's take a hike in the foothills today, okay?" And then the announcement to the kids: "Who wants to go on an adventure?!" Much screaming and chaos ensued :-)

I remember our last hike in the foothills with little ones. It was literally about 3 years ago - Sammy was in the backpack carrier and Thomas wasn't even around. I also remember a child of mine (who will remain nameless to avoid future embarrassment) who had to pee with no bathroom in sight. I helped said child squat in the brush, and when toilet paper was requested, I had to resort to, "sorry sweetie, you're just gonna have to...shake." I know.

(I suppose I could have tried a leaf, but I don't know leaves well enough. I'd hate for my precious babe to end up with poison ivy where no human should have poison ivy. It was safer to resort to a good "shake"...and a new pair of undies when we got home.)

So this weekend, when I heard the words "hike in the foothills", I immediately got busy packing my camera bag. I took out my favorite (heavy and expensive) camera, and packed the Pentax instead. I also packed a box of band-aids, baby wipes, a diaper...and a roll of tp.

Of course, none of this was needed (except the camera)...but you can bet it would have been if I hadn't packed it. Darn Murphy and his laws ;-)

On our way to the hills, we drove through a rather rough section of down town. It happens to be the same section of town I drive through 4 times each week to shuttle Sammy to and from her downtown preschool. And each time I sit at this corner, I think "I sure wish I had a camera!" Well, this time, I had my camera. See club "Sin"? I don't know what this establishment is these days, but in my high school days it was a dance club. I loved the place. And "Sin" would have been a great name for it even then. Finally, someone is just cutting to the chase and calling it what it is ;-)

We made our way into the foothills, and found a place to park. The fun started in the parking lot, where the kids promptly began running and squealing and poking sticks in the dirt. You'd think we never leave the house!

Thomas could hardly believe the glory of the great outdoors. I don't think he stopped sprinting for a full 2 hours.

My goofy big boy.

It does my heart good to see my strong, healthy, happy kiddos running like crazy people through the dirt trails.

I lined the kids up along the fence for one good shot of all of them together. This one cracks me up...looks like Sammy's going in for the kill!

It was a grey day, and the trees are still mostly bare, but it was still a beautiful view from the top:

Signs of spring.

Literally shooting from my hip as I helped Sammy up a steep section:

Another hip shot - love that little lip:

Over the shoulder shot (this is fun!):

The big kids were determined to slide down this very steep section. Luke took the little ones down an easier path, and I got to go back the way we came to get the car and drive it around. It was so fun to have a little time to myself.

Of course, I took plenty of pictures along the way. I'll spare you the flower and tree pictures - don't have them processed anyway. I took this picture of myself with the help of a fence post. I'm a little embarrassed to share a picture of myself with no shower, no makeup, and a ratty sweatshirt...but hey, this was me yesterday. And someday, I think it will be nice to actually have proof that I was here. And SOMEDAY, my kids will see this picture and say "oh, there's Mom...she looks so young!"

Yikes.

The birdsongs were amazing. These red-winged black birds chatted with me my entire trek back down the hill. One of them even sat pretty for me:

What a great weekend, eh?

Today is a low-key day. I'm going to get a little exercise, get the little ones cleaned up, and then meet Luke at a bank to sign papers. The big kids have their final AWANA ceremony tonight, and I'll figure out something for dinner. Can I just say...being out of grocery money by the 11th of the month is not a good thing. It causes stress and tears and nightmares (I'm sure thankful for the grocery fairies who visited earlier in the month...you know who you are...forgive me for calling you a fairy).

By the way - if a bank brags that they have a "simple, easy, quick, sign at home mortgage refinancing package" to offer you, don't believe a word they say. It will take months. And then, when it's time to "sign at home", they'll just mail you the pile of papers to sign....with the note that you need to have your signatures notarized.

Then, off to the bank you'll go to sign the "at home" papers in the presence of a notary. Pretty dumb.

Have a great day - I hope to be back to share some recipes soon :-)

Read more...