No News vs. Good News

Ben's blood work and echocardiogram came back normal.  I'm relieved.  But it truly normal or are we missing something?

His lips were just SO frighteningly blue.  Surely, something caused it?

We've been passed on to a pediatric cardiologist and are meeting with her tomorrow.  I'm relieved.  If there's something to be found, she'll find it.

I'm walking around feeling like my chest is filled with dry leaves tossing and swirling...trembling...unstable...sickeningly dizzy with fear.  My Benjamin...

Faith is so simple and easy when life is rosy.  And then something scary happens, and I'm left back at the starting blocks.  Really?  I have to start way back here again?  What is wrong with me?

Who is this God of mine?  Holy.  Love.  Peace.  Mighty.  Sovereign.

I don't want the strength to get through an unimaginable loss.  I want to avoid the loss.

There's all sorts of talk about "refining" and "molding" and "shaping" and "purification".  Sounds great and noble...until I find myself standing on the edge of a blazing fire wondering "Is He gonna make me go in THERE?"

Sure, He tells us that He'll finish the work He started in us.  He tells us He'll never leave us.  We can read about becoming more and more like Jesus.

But right now?  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I don't care about any of that.  Not even a little bit.  He saved me by his grace, and at this point, that's all I care about.  I don't want refinement.  I'm going to heaven because He saved me....but as far as being refined before I get there?  No thanks.  I'll take the econo-meal plan.  Option el-cheap-o.  Salvation.  Period.  Heaven as through the fire...with my earthly treasures (family) happily intact.

Immature? Yes sir.  Selfish?  Yep.  It is what it is.

I DON'T CARE.  I want my children safe.

I guess if you're looking for high road Christain-ese, you'd better keep looking.  Today, I've got none of it to offer...just ugly old me.

(Why am I afraid to push the "publish post" button?  I sort of feel like I'll get struck down by a bold of electricity from the sky.  What is with this constant FEAR?)

UPDATE:  Gettin' Back Up

Kelli  – (5/05/2010 02:17:00 PM)  

No bolt of lighten here...
I so appreciate your honesty. Your rawness. Your vunerability by stating what any other good human would want say (Christian of not) as well.
We are made these promises you spoke of, but our hearts are still fragile and totally incapable of understanding (and sometimes handling) the things life challenges us with in light of the good and faithful love of Jesus. God truly has to do that part for us...if we allow Him.
That said, as a momma and a flawed human being myself, I'm praying for you. I'm praying for your son. And I'm praying that if there is something to be found, that it is revealed and corrected quickly and painlessly.
Blessings friend,
Kelli @ SustainingCreativity

Kimberly –   – (5/05/2010 02:29:00 PM)  

Don't ever be afraid to voice your questions and doubts. I always look back to the Psalms, which are filled with people expressing some serious doubts about God. He knows what's in your heart already--I think He wants us to be straight with Him about it. When we are, when we pour out our fears to Him, then He can minister to us and show us His faithfulness. When we hide our doubts under a shiny Christian veneer, that's when God's work is hindered in us.

I am so sorry for this fearful situation. I am praying the doctors will have wisdom and insight to know exactly what's going on, and that whatever it is, God will show His glory by healing your son and restoring him to complete health.

Sharon  – (5/05/2010 02:34:00 PM)  

Honestly, I don't think there is a mama out there who wouldn't be feeling the exact same way.

I'll keep praying!

Craig and Bethany  – (5/05/2010 02:49:00 PM)  

I know what you mean.

Sometimes I don't think it's really about being refined, just holding His hand.

Sheila  – (5/05/2010 02:51:00 PM)  

--What is with this constant FEAR?--

It's Satan, that's what it is. Do not think for a second that I wouldn't be feeling exactly the same way you do, because I sure would! But I can see Satan doing his ugly work in making anyone and everyone as unhappy as possible. You and your family are in my prayers. May God give you peace. Thank you for the update. I've been checking for one. I think I can deal with anything except for that which conerns my kids.

Kaye  – (5/06/2010 07:57:00 AM)  

Oh, Daiquiri. I've been there. I'm sure I'll be there again. It IS nice to know that God will be with us IF things go awry, but it is totally normal and healthy to just not want them to go bad. have every right to feel the way you do. God knows that. He is okay with you feeling that way. He knows you don't want to hurt.

I totally get wanting to take the easy route. I do too. I do too.

Still praying for you and Ben.

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