I think my pastor reads my blog.
He preached the most amazing sermon this weekend, and I swear he was looking right AT me. AND he was talking directly to the little spiritual crisis I had when I thought Ben might have a heart problem. I swear...he quoted my blog!
Now, those of you who know my pastor are totally rolling your eyes right now. Our awesome pastor who travels all over India and certain high-conflict countries preaching the gospel and quite literally risking his life to support and love underground churches...he is clearly NOT sitting around reading my blog.
Maybe, just maybe, God Himself had a few things to say to me.
Ever since I typed those words. No, ever since I felt those words in my heart...I've been ashamed. "It's the way any mom would react", is what I've been hearing time and time again from friends and family.
That might be true, but I hoped for more. I expected more from myself. And I can't quite shake the feeling that He expected and hoped for more from me too.
I totally crumbled. I was to the point of "save me, but otherwise leave me alone...I don't want this battle". I could practically feel the words of discouragement and fear slithering from that Liar's lips...and still, I let myself be burdened with them.
Satan can't keep me from being God's child. He can't keep me from being saved. But he CAN do his very best to make my life one of fear and misery and isolation. He can try to keep me from joy. Jesus told us that he was out to get us...why do I so often let myself forget?
I think one of Satan's favorite tricks is to first try and convince us that he's not real. When he goes into battle, the first weapon he picks up and throws on is a cloak of invisibility. How can we fight against someone who we don't see? That we don't really believe is there? We can't, that's how.
But we are called to pick up our armor and weapons too. One of them is Truth. God's Truth. The Word. And the Word tells us that Satan is real and he's looking to devour us.
Yes, horrible and terrifying thoughts flooded my mind in that moment that I first looked at Ben and saw blue lips. But the reason those thoughts debilitated me was that I LET them do so.
I have my marching orders. Grab my armor. Arm myself with the Truth. Pray. Actively take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. I did none of it, and I suffered for it.
And now? Picking up my weapons is exaclty what I'm doing. Ever since I turned to the Lord and said "fix my son or get the hell away from me", I've felt deeply ashamed. Where does that shame come from? Not Jesus. Where??
I KNOW where. And as of right now, I'm turning to the one whose tongue is black with hatred and lies, and I'm saying
I'm not listening anymore. I am pressing on, persevering. I am taking my thoughts captive to the One who loves me and who died to save me and who will never abandon me. The One who conquered sin tells me that there is no condemnation...that I am forgiven.
If I continue to beat myself up over this, then I'm letting the wrong team win in my life AGAIN. I won't do it. I feel it, yes. The same and disappointment and sadness run deep. But these thoughts are not reality. I am not shameful. I am not a disappointment. I am loved. I am whole. I am covered by grace and love.