I Just Don't Want To Be This Person

What's the difference between who you are and what your personality is?  

Who I am in Him is the easy part - I'm a daughter of the King.  I'm loved by the creator of everything that is.  I have an eternal future filled with joy and peace.

But who I am this side of heaven in a practical and everyday way - that's not so easy.  We all know that what we DO is not who we are - it's just what we do.  I'm talking about deep down, in the dark and quiet, when no one else is around...who is this in my body?  These thoughts running through my mind - are they me?  These feelings that shift like the wind - are they me?

The reason I'm doing all this "belly-button exploring" (who am I, where did I come from, why am I here)...is that I'm trying to figure out what to do about my meds.

I feel like there are two of me.

There's a feisty, passionate, ornery Daiquiri.  She's fun and outspoken and bold.  But that Daiquiri?  She also cries a LOT.  She hollers at the kids a lot.  She walks around with ugly and angry thoughts of anger and resentment occupying her mind.  She stands in her closet for 15 minutes trying to choose a shirt to wear, feeling totally overwhelmed by a simple choice.  She doesn't give a damn if the laundry or dishes are done.   She avoids mirrors like the plague because she feels so repulsive.  She sees her kids looking at her with questions in their eyes, "Why is Mommy mad?"  "Why is Mommy crying?"  They tell me silly jokes to try and cheer me up.

And, with enough mind-altering drugs in my body, there's another Daiquiri.  A peaceful, happy, strong wife and mom.  Someone who cares if the dishes and laundry are done.  She's reliable and consistent and productive.  

At this point in my life, it seems that the Daiquiri I must choose is obvious.  But I don't want to choose!  I don't want to be this broken person who can't have all parts of me at the same time.  

Mentally, I know that depression is a physical illness that needs treatment.  I can encourage other people all day long.  But when it comes to me?  I admit, I feel weak to need meds.  I feel like there's something wrong with me...not just in my chemically screwed up brain, but at the very heart of who I am.  

I want to be whole.  I want to be happy.  I want my kids to have a mom who they can count on and feel safe with.  AND I want to have that spark and spunk that has always been such a part of me.  

This person?   Who it seems I really am?  I don't want to be this person.

Liz  – (1/23/2009 10:51:00 AM)  

Oh, my sweet Christian Sister! My heart breaks to read that post - but I know where you come from. While my struggles are more of anxiety, as opposed to depression, they are closely related, and sometimes overlap each other.

I cant recall if you mentioned that your depression stems from a chemical imbalance. If that's the case, then its a physical condition that is easily remedied with the meds. If there's emotional issues you need to resolve, then that can be remedied as well, although thats a longer road. Only God knows why some people suffer with these things, while others scratch their head and wonder what we're talking about. Either way, there is NO CONDEMNATION. If you feel that the right thing to do is give it a go without meds, then that's OK. But figure out what your motive is. If you feel that
1) because you're a Christian you should not need them, or
2) Others are making you feel like its wrong or
3) Pride is making you want to cope without them.

Then maybe those aren't the right reasons. (I'm not sure that any of those apply) Make sure your reason for quitting your meds gives you peace, not more turmoil. God wants you to have peace.

If you're not sure, keep doing what you're doing and revisit the topic in 6 months...or a year.

Bottom line is, if you needed insulin, it would be a no-brainer So if you physicall need these meds, then you need them. From the way you talk about your hubby, I know that you have a lot of love and respect for him. Have you and he discussed this and prayed together about it? There was a time that I couldn't make a decision and he was pretty clear on it. No matter how I tried to figure it out, I couldn't. At one point, I felt a gentle nudge from God that said, if you cant decide, then submit to your husband's decision. Which I did, and it gave me so much peace.

I know you truly want to do the right thing - and I will be praying for you that God would make His path CLEAR before you. Remember, either way - this isn't a make it or break it issue with God. He loves you anyway, and He may one day decide to give you total peace about quitting, or not quitting.

God bless you

Anonymous –   – (1/23/2009 06:50:00 PM)  


Your children are very lucky! As somebody very smart once told me the medicine is a gift from God and we should take it and enjoy the benefits!!!!!!!!!!!

nomore  – (1/23/2009 07:32:00 PM)  

Hi there!

just wanted to leave a little note... I take meds too. I hate it. I take a anti-depressent/anxiety (Zoloft), and on top of that I take an extra anti-anxiety... both EVERYDAY!. My psychiatrist is working slowly to wean me off the 2nd anti-anxiety. Yes, I said psychiatrist (don't know if I even spell it right, lol).

All he does is manage my medication, that's it. I did see a counselor at the beginning of it all for about 4 months, but we both mutally agreed that it was safe to discontinue the counseling.

Did I just admit that I had to see a counselor? yikes, yes I did. How embarrassing!

Do I like these facts about me? No, I don't! Am I feel as if I'm still in denial even tho I take the meds everyday!

What am I doing then?
I am resting in Him. knowing that this life is temporary.
Matt. 6 ... I just do today for tomorrow has enough to worry about on its own.

Is is a piece of cake for me? ~ NO way. Do I always practice what I "preach", unfortunately I'm often found guilty when it comes to this very topic.

Do I have a goal? yes, #1 to become content in everyway knowing that the Lord is in control and that I would not even be taking these meds in the first place without His knowledge of it first. Jer 29:11 ~~so, I'm resting in Him, striving peacefully to become content. I haven't exactly arrived yet, but PRAISE GOD HE NEVER LETs GO.

# 2 I will be hopeful that one day I shall be blessed to naturally balance emotion. There is one condition though, it has to be in His time and in His way. It could be soon, it could take F-O-R-E-V-E-R! I haven't exactly accepted this down to the very core yet either. BUT PRAISE GOD HE NEVER LETS GO.

I need help. He's given me help.

I struggle more with unexpected anxiety that just pops out of no where! more than I do a depression- but the doc's say the 2 are both closey related. so, I don't know.

I just know I'm His. That's all that matters, and I want to live each day knowing and showing that I am His. It starts with truly believing it first.

God bless you dear sister in Christ!
You are NOT alone!
In Him, Deanna
a BIG P.S. ....
if you should EVER notice a tinge of anxiety / depression in my blog.... can you please... will you please send this comment to me, because I tend to have short term memory loss about my goals that I rest in Him, and His promises that rest over me :O)

So much love to you while you journey this path. I don't your step by step shoe prints, but I know the shoe.

Anonymous –   – (1/24/2009 12:28:00 AM)  

You've gotten some great advice. After I saw the bus this afternoon, I felt this strong "pull" to stop by. You were busy but I just really wanted to talk.. I miss you! I don't ever seem to have very good advice but I will always listen. Sending hugs!

:) Marisa

cherith_girl  – (11/01/2009 12:46:00 AM)  

My Dear Christian Sister,
I just read your post titled "I Just Don't Want To Be This Person" and it made me sad. I struggled with depression for a good part of my life. I have a chemical imbalance. I had a very traumatic childhood, and those experiences changed the chemistry in my brain. I firmly believe that needing medicaiton for anything does not make a person weak. As LizC talked about, you wouldn't feel the same way if you needed insulin to treat diabetes. It just happens that depression affects the chemistry in our brain instead of the pancreas like diabetes does. Although I needed meds, I also needed therapy. I was blessed to be able to find a great Christian psychiatrist that helped me change how I felt about myself. I learned that my depression from the events of my childhood. My self-esteem was in the garbage. Although I knew how much God loved me, I didn't love myself. I know in my heart that I didn't do anything wrong and that I was not weak because of the depression. I related very strongly to some of the things you talked about when you said that you felt that there were too different Daiquiri's. Please do not feel ashamed to seek help for your depression. It's not going to go away magically. There were plenty of Christians who told me that I must be depressed because I wasn't praying or reading my Bible enough. That was not the truth. I learned so many things under the care of a Christian psychiatrist. God placed him in my life, and used him to help heal me. Even though I still take meds, I no longer deal with depression. I know that I am special and that I have worth. The same is true for you. I will be praying that the Lord will provide you with a doctor/therapist to help you find the way out of your depression. I would like to share a scripture verse with you that someone shared with me when I was in one of the darkest parts of my life. It's Jeremiah 29:11. God has a plan for all His children. His plan for me was to bring me through those valleys so that today I can stand on the mountaintop sharing the message of hope and healing with others who struggle with the same feelings as I did. Please know that I will be praying for you. I know you're having a rough time, and have been there. I hope that my sharing some of my own story will encourage you to seek help and to find the Daiquiri that you want to be. She's in there and wanting to shine.

God bless you today and everyday.

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