As It Turns Out, I'm A Tad Ornery

I'm rediscovering the "real" me lately. As you might know, I've struggled with depression since the birth of my second child. It rolled into my life like a black cloud that overshadowed every possibility for joy. Thankfully, I have wonderfully observant and supportive friends and family. They saw what what happening even when I couldn't, and insisted that I get help.

I began taking an antidepressant that seemed to me like a miracle pill. It was the kind of healing that I didn't want. I didn't want to have to take medication to be a good mom. But that's exactly who I've been for the past 5 years. Sometimes God answers prayers in ways I'd rather he not!

My depression is strongly linked to hormones. I could feel the clouds rolling in or out based on what trimester of pregnancy I was in & whether or not I was nursing a baby. But guess what? I'm done with all that! (sniff sniff) It's been about 4 months since I weaned Thomas, and I'm feeling strong. I'm ready to see what's going on under this medication.

It's not that I'm opposed to being on medication for life, if necessary. But if I don't need it? I don't want to medicate a problem that doesn't exist anymore. So I've been (with my doc's blessing) been weaning myself off. 10 mg...5 mg...2.5 mg...2.5 mg every other day. It seems to be going fine so far.

But like I said, I'm being reminded of a few things about myself.

For example, Hubby and I were watching "Brothers and Sisters" last night (or "Brothers and Psychos" as Hubby calls it). I was sitting there half watching TV and half embossing a big order of note cards. Normally, I'd sit there and just be entertained, but as I watched the drama unfold on TV, I got sucked in more and more. To my surprise the "old" ornery Daiquiri made an appearance . "Come on, quit your whining! What are you a Girly-Man?!" I said to the guy on TV. "YEAH...get that jerk out of your company. It's sneaky and maybe illegal, but DO IT!"

I think hubby was a bit alarmed. He kept looking at me from the corner of his eye and grinning. He might have been entertained. Or he might have been secretly planning how to escape.

Am I making myself sound like I have a split personality or something? Yeah, I'm sounding a bit psycho.

I'm not, I promise. I'm just feisty! The real me...under these meds...I'm ornery, feisty, opinionated, passionate. Man, it feels good to be feeling myself again!

I don't know what's going to happen over the next few months. I will undoubtedly cry more. I will get frustrated and irritated more. But I only want to medicate an illness...not LIFE, ya know? Hopefully, everything will level out and I'll be on a roller-coaster...but a real-life-mommy roller-coaster...not a my-brain-isn't-working-I-can't-stand-the-pain-or-get-out-of-bed ride.

So here's to life. Here's to feisty-ness. Here's to meds that saved my butt, but that I hope I don't need anymore. And here's to the guy who cut me off in traffic today. Normally I'd pray for you, but today I just got angry and honked the horn...sorry 'bout that, I'll pray for you and me both now.

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I can't, in good conscience, wrap up this post without a bit of a disclaimer: If you're struggling in ways you've never struggled before...if you're having a hard time dealing with life...if you can't remember the last time you genuinely laughed or smiled or felt joy....PLEASE get help. There's nothing wrong with you, just like there's nothing wrong with a diabetic who has to take daily meds. Depression is a real physical illness, and there is great hope to be found in modern medicine. Allow yourself to get the help you deserve. The help your family deserves. They need you to be healthy.

Deanna  – (1/12/2009 11:12:00 AM)  

thanks for the sweet comment you left on my Seek the Lord Sunday post.

I hear you today in your post.


- I take meds too, I don't want to, and I struggle because I don't want to! but as the Lord would have it, I have to throw down my strong Christian pride that says, "I have Jesus, therefore, I don't need meds!"..... truth is I do have sweet Jesus working in my life, and He has sweetly helped me with thru these meds ~ fact is: the meds come from the wisdom He has provided to man to help His children that need it. he provides for my needs, so I should 'hush-up' and be thankful instead. (I'm working on surrending, and being content, and to give God the glory He so deserves for helping me even tho it's not the way I have learned to accept yet. ---boy, do I feel convicted as I type this comment---

I could write more, but I'll stop here. And I'll leave my heart in His hands and my hope and desires concerning this matter with Him as I take the steps to trust Him each day. He is God and I am not.

From my heart to yours, In Christ,
Deanna :O)

Anonymous –   – (1/12/2009 07:15:00 PM)  

Daiquiri,

I've been on an antidepressant since 1990ish. I tried suicide several times growing up, but I didn't know why. I have a good family, good friends, oveall a good life with some major bumps, but I got through. Being diagnosed saved my life. At one point, I tried to get off the drug and tried the "natural" route. After a few months my husband actually said, "I didn't know you before you were on medication, but please get back on it." I was beyond honery. Anyway, good for you for going for it! One day, if you're interested, we'll share!

Tessa

McMom  – (1/12/2009 10:29:00 PM)  

I took meds for awhile between baby #1 and baby #2. It was clearly hormone related also. I had a pitutary tumor and did not know it and my hormones went nuts after going off birth control pills. I took meds for a time and weaned off them so I could get pregnant. I felt OK but not 100% and was able to concieve. For me I felt whole again after the first trimester. I believe birth control pils caused the tumor and hormone imbalence and never took them again. There have been a few time where I felt like I was going down the depression road again, but for the most part I have been fine and feeling good. I sure needed the meds when I took them though and I would do it again if I needed to.

I 'm glad you are feeling like yourself again!

Edith  – (1/13/2009 10:39:00 AM)  

I've been on depression meds pretty consistently since my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer the 3rd time in 2001. He eventually passed away and I'm not happily remarried...but still on depression meds. I've tried to get off them but struggle at times even on them...thanks for sharing. (today is one of those days I'm struggling)

Edith  – (1/13/2009 10:40:00 AM)  

Oops...that should have said "now happily remarried"...don't know how to edit a post. Yikes! Add red face in here now.

LizC  – (1/13/2009 03:49:00 PM)  

Glad to read such an honest post. I started posting on my episode(s) of anxiety lately. My doc gave me meds (Buspar), but I ahvent taken it cuz I wanted to see if I could work my way of out it. (Exercise, sunshine, diet, freeing up my schedule, etc.) I am good right now, but I am afraid of it coming back. Its hard to blog about it - kinda brings some feelings back. You are right - if we need meds we should take them, but if we can work it out without them, them thats great. There's nothing like feeling like yourself again, is there? Glad to know you are better!

amykrupinski  – (1/14/2009 06:45:00 PM)  

Just cruising by and found your site when doing a christian mommy blog search. Laughed out loud at your horn admission...had to say thanks for the laugh!
Never had the meds senario but my husband had to be on meds for social anxiety for a while and anytime he has to study for a promotion, he has to take adderall (sp?)...so, God definitely uses all kinds of means to help us THRU our situations, doesn't He?!

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