...for every time I've had this conversation with God and myself, I'd truly be rich. Or I'd at least be knee high in nickels.
I. Am. So. Exhausted.
And it's my own darn fault. I haven't been living like the free woman I am. Slowly, one by one, I've unintentionally picked up a whole slew of burdens that I once laid at the foot of the Cross. So here I am, carrying. Huffing and puffing. Sweating. Crying under the stress. Feeling weak in the knees and with a sick feeling in my gut for all the darn GUILT.
I'm just not good at this.
They need and deserve so much more.
Some moms do this all with such grace. Why can't I?
I had such big plans.
I hate how impatient I am. I yell too much.
Why can't I ever follow through?
Over time, I get worn down. I can't do it quite right, so I don't do it at all. I lie on the couch and sleep and cry and call out to the Lord..."where are you? why is this so hard all of a sudden?"
There is no reply.
So I sit in my exhausted state and just do whatever comes my way...and that doesn't require me leaving the comfort of my sweat pants. I read books. I play cards. I straighten the kitchen just a little. I play lego space guys with my boy. I sleep. I snuggle.
And suddenly, there's an answer.
"It's hard because you shouldn't be doing it all in the first place, my Love."
As if blinders are lifted from my eyes, I finally see all the stress and worry and effort I've taken on myself lately. There they were...all the most important things in my life, tucked safely in the most capable Hands that exist...and somewhere along the way, I decided that I would be better suited to take care of things.
And when I am in charge of making life go right? When I'm in charge of my children's well being? When I'm in charge of making the budget fit neatly together each month? And when I'm in charge of worrying sufficiently to ensure that nothing bad can happen?
It gets heavy.
And really really scary.
The next thing I know, I'm sitting on the couch crying and feeling like nothing is going right and that I'm a lousy wife and mom.
Oh, the sweet freedom and liberty of being a follower of Jesus! I sit and close my eyes, and I think about all the garbage I've been worried about and working so hard on....
Take it, Lord. And that, and that, and this too...
Whatever you want to happen here? And there? And over there too? Please, just do it your way and let what will be...be.
I'm sorry for trying to do all of this on my own. You're so much better at it than I am!
Thank you for taking such good care of us.
Thank you for freeing me....saving me...loving me.
I love you Lord. I'm yours. Guide me. Carry me. Show me. Speak to me.
Tomorrow, Lord? Please help me remember that I need to give all of this to you tomorrow too. And the day after that, and the day after that, and...
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1