Ben's blood work and echocardiogram came back normal. I'm relieved. But still...is it truly normal or are we missing something?
His lips were just SO frighteningly blue. Surely, something caused it?
We've been passed on to a pediatric cardiologist and are meeting with her tomorrow. I'm relieved. If there's something to be found, she'll find it.
I'm walking around feeling like my chest is filled with dry leaves tossing and swirling...trembling...unstable...sickeningly dizzy with fear. My Benjamin...
Faith is so simple and easy when life is rosy. And then something scary happens, and I'm left back at the starting blocks. Really? I have to start way back here again? What is wrong with me?
Who is this God of mine? Holy. Love. Peace. Mighty. Sovereign.
I don't want the strength to get through an unimaginable loss. I want to avoid the loss.
There's all sorts of talk about "refining" and "molding" and "shaping" and "purification". Sounds great and noble...until I find myself standing on the edge of a blazing fire wondering "Is He gonna make me go in THERE?"
Sure, He tells us that He'll finish the work He started in us. He tells us He'll never leave us. We can read about becoming more and more like Jesus.
But right now? I'm a little ashamed to admit that I don't care about any of that. Not even a little bit. He saved me by his grace, and at this point, that's all I care about. I don't want refinement. I'm going to heaven because He saved me....but as far as being refined before I get there? No thanks. I'll take the econo-meal plan. Option el-cheap-o. Salvation. Period. Heaven as through the fire...with my earthly treasures (family) happily intact.
Immature? Yes sir. Selfish? Yep. It is what it is.
I DON'T CARE. I want my children safe.
I guess if you're looking for high road Christain-ese, you'd better keep looking. Today, I've got none of it to offer...just ugly old me.
(Why am I afraid to push the "publish post" button? I sort of feel like I'll get struck down by a bold of electricity from the sky. What is with this constant FEAR?)
UPDATE: Gettin' Back Up