Where Has My Baby Gone?!

How can my heart break over a tiny little tooth?

My Benjamin lost his first tooth today. I was thrilled for him - he was literally jumping and spinning and hopping all over the house! But at the same time, I absolutely wanted to burst into tears. How is time moving so quickly?

I can actually remember the very moment I first noticed the little tooth that fell out this afternoon. Benjamin was 4 months old (the same at Thomas now!!!), and I was sitting on a chair on our front porch on our old house with Benjamin on my lap. It was going on May...spring. We were sitting outside just enjoying the fresh air, and Benjamin was nawing on my finger like his little life depended on it. Suddenly, I jumped with a big "Owww!". That little bugger had bitten me with his very first little tooth!

Even then, I was thrilled and excited at the growth of my baby boy. But then I burst into tears!

Oh, it just HURTS to love these little ones so much! It's funny...with each of my kids, I went through about one week during their infancy where I was just really angry with them. I know it doesn't make any sense. I was mad because I was falling in love so hard that it hurt, and it scared me half to death. I was angry that I was so vunlerable. I was angry for loving them so much. Sounds crazy...I know...but hey, I'm a woman. Deal with it.

And every now and then I have a day like today. Everything just seems to move in slow motion and I can see everything with such clarity. I can see how smart and handsome Benjamin is. I can see how beautiful and articulate Clara is. I can see how spunky and fun Samantha is. I can see how perfect and sweet Thomas is. I just want to freeze them in my mind's eye like this forever. I almost feel panicked...time is just moving so quickly! I don't want this precious time to be over!

How does anyone go through life without believing in God and Heaven? If I thought that this...this life...maybe even this day...were my last. Agh! I can't imagine the pain! I can't imagine the frantic feeling I'd have to do, do, do, do! If I thought that after my death there was no hope of ever seeing my children again? It's incomprehensible...the pain of it.

I think that's part of what "freedom in Christ" is. We are free for today because we have hope for tomorrow. We have hope of eternity...hope that it gets even better than this.

Without that hope...I don't think I could bear to really love!

Boy, what a doom and gloom I am tonight, eh?! Sorry 'bout that. Did I mention that I'm really tired today? I should probably refrain from exposing you to the inner workings of my brain on days like this!

I'll just close by saying this...squeeeze them tight! Really look at them. Smell their hair. Press your cheek to theirs. Laugh at their silly jokes. Feel their hand in yours. They'll be all grown up before we know it!
P.S. And I should probably say this too...if you want to know more about God and Heaven, drop me an email and we can talk. I'm no expert on the things of God, but I know with 100% certainty that I'm going to Heaven and why (and it has nothing to do with me being perfect...as if!). I'd be happy to share what I know.
P.P.S. Spell check isn't working tonight - oh no! Sory fer thuh mystaks.

Anonymous –   – (1/30/2008 10:45:00 PM)  

But you do freeze them, in your photographic eye =) You have such a talent with photography and all that love shows in those pictures. Give Ben a big hug from me for the loss.

Anonymous –   – (1/31/2008 11:15:00 AM)  

I agree with Alicia that you make the whirlwind of life stop with every picture. I live for and love all my photos of my boys. One thing we have in common among many others. When life starts spinning too fast, I stop, take a scrapbook out and enjoy.

I can remember all the feelings you are going through. Thanks for sharing. I don't feel so alone anymore.

Thanks again, Jo Ann

Anonymous –   – (1/31/2008 11:58:00 PM)  

I echo your sentiments... It feels like someone hit the fast forward button since the baby was born. Sometimes I just want to scream... SLOW DOWN! Time goes by SO fast.. and yes it hurts to love them as much as we do.
Thanks for your post. It's comforting to know someone else understands.
:) Marisa

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