>> Monday, May 2, 2011 – Bernie
Feeling a bit like I'm living in some sort of time-free bubble. Right now....how is she? Is she awake? Is she talking? Is she in pain? All that matters is right now. How do we make it better....how do we help....how do we cope....how do we do things like WORK so that we can keep paying the mortgage?
Time-free. Except, that is, when the kids have to get to school....and we can't find the shoes....and Clara doesn't have a single pair of pants that fit her...and Thomas isn't even dressed even though we were supposed to be out the door 15 minutes ago. Time. It's sort of a bugger.
Clara and I both cried on the drive to school this morning.
Not so sure that I'm being the pillar of strength and peace that my children need. I feel bad about that, but have no idea how to change it. So I just hug more.
Some things I want to remember about the past week or so:
- I actually looked UP one day and saw the most spectacular fluffy clouds. "Look at those beautiful clouds, Sammy", I said. "Yeah, they're pretty. Maybe God made them to celebrate the snow cone shack FINALLY being open!" was her sweet reply.
- "Therapeutic Lumbar Puncture" seems like the cruelest oxymoron and it makes me shudder.
- Three strong, broad shouldered men towering over their mother while they work tenderly to make her comfortable in her bed. "I love you mom" as they kiss her goodnight.
- From Ben recently, "Mom, I sure love having communion at church."
"Oh yeah? What do you like about it?"
"Well, lots of times when I want to spend time with God, I can't stop thinking about lots of other things. But when I'm holding that bread in church? And thinking about what Jesus did for me to save me? Well, when I'm doing communion, it's just me and God. Just us and nothing else in my head. It feels good."
- In a confused moment on the way home from chemotherapy being injected into spinal fluid..."I need to get some tickets."
"Some tickets, Mom?"
"Tickets for what?"
"What kind of tickets are those?"