Treading Water

Oi.

I'm really struggling to get settled into summer this year!  The noise...the mess...the chaos.  I try to remind myself that these are all signs of a sweet life with little ones, but boy, I'm mostly going crazy.  I know, I know.  There will come a day in the not too distant future when I long for this chaos.  I'll look up and wonder where my life went...where my babies went.  It's happening already just a little bit - I find myself more surprised every day to look in the mirror and see someone older than I expect.

In fact, there goes my oldest baby now - riding down sidewalk on his scooter.  Otter Pop in one hand, metal lunch box containing all his little boy treasures in the other (how he can multi-task on a scooter is beyond me).  "I'll call you when I get there", he says as he heads out the door.

Where did my camera go?  My camera and my pictures used to be the little piece of *me* that I was holding on to in all this hustle and bustle.  Do you ever feel this...moms out there...like you're something MORE than "mom", "wife", "sister", "friend", "daughter"?

Some days I just want to be "Daiquiri".  Nothing more, nothing less.

I don't want to wish my life away.  I don't want to miss this beautiful place I'm in called "now" because I'm daydreaming about the day when I'll have 5 minutes pass without someone screaming "MOM!" in a way that makes me think one of their limbs might be partially detached or something.

I need a project.  A plan.  Something to work toward.  A place I'm trying to get to...instead of just treading water and trying to keep my head up for the occasional gulp of air while the waves pummel me from every direction.

I have a vision - a dream.  It involves beautiful soft light, itty bitty babies, a full frame sensor Nikon, stunning portraits wrapped in heavy frames, a flexible work schedule, and a decent paycheck.   But the doubts...they're killing me.  Are my prices too high? Too low?  Is this a pipe dream and nothing more?  Am I not good enough?  Did I hear wrong when I thought I heard a Call?

For now I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on.  Treading water.  Folding laundry.  Vacuuming.  Emptying the dishwasher.  Making tacos for dinner with strawberry milkshakes for dessert tonight.  Read some of my next Vince Flynn novel.  Go to bed.  Start over.

tread
    gulp
        gasp

Hilary  – (6/18/2010 07:19:00 PM)  

I think we all feel like this sometimes.
I had big visions for the photography thing, but then I had child #3 and it's just not working and I recently made the decision to just do it as a barter, no business, really.
And that's fine.
It's just not my season. I read the rest of your blog though, SO jealous about your trip.
We could use one of those around here. :)

Adina  – (6/20/2010 02:33:00 PM)  

The dream of what might be someday, and the knowledge of my God-given-but-currently-out-of-season abilities are what keep my secret flame of happiness burning. In the words of Dorie, "Just keep swimming. . ."

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