The Miracle Of My Changed Heart

(cross-posted at Moms In The Right)


I thought I'd take this STLS to share a personal story of God's work in my life. I think of it as a miracle because it's something that I worked and worked at...put all I had into it...only to fail miserably. I made zero ground in reaching my goal. It wasn't until I gave it to God and asked for his help that I saw any change. And it wasn't just ANY change...it was a night and day, life-changing, permanent change.

I'm not proud to say it out loud, but there was a time in my life when I felt hate for another human being. Not just strong dislike. Not a preference for not spending time with her. I hated her. (No, I'm not naming names - doesn't really matter anyway). I absolutely felt my blood boil when I was with her. There were times when I even considered uprooting our entire lives to move and get away from this individual.

Again, I'm not at all proud of my feelings at that time. But I feel that I have to share them with you to be able to really describe what God did for me.

I knew that my feelings were wrong. There wasn't even a particular event or conversation that "justified" my feelings. I simply felt hate for her. And do you know what I hated even more than her? The fact that I felt the way I did. I'm on the verge of tears just telling you about it!

I tried to change my heart, I really did. I forced myself to think about the good in her. I tried to remind myself that hate is a sin, and that I needed to stop. After a while, I decided to just act the part....act like I liked or loved her. I went out of my way to say nice things...to do nice things...to smile and be nice. I figured, "hey, I can't change how I feel, but I can choose how to behave." I hoped that my feelings would change with my behavior. It didn't work either.

It got to a point where I was on the verge of being consumed by it. I laid awake at night thinking of her. I dreaded seeing her. I had imaginary conversations with her in my mind. Seriously...it was eating me alive, and I was miserable.

But you know how sin can be? How it can be miserable in some ways and sickeningly sweet in other ways? That's how this was. I felt somehow justified or self-righteous in my anger toward her. I admit...there was a part of me way down deep inside that didn't want to change. It was a vicious battle going on in my own soul. Finally...I couldn't take it anymore.

I don't know why it took me so long to ask for help. I'm a stubborn one, I admit. But I finally asked God for help - I cried out to him in desperation when I didn't know where else to turn.

"Lord, I need a miracle! I don't know what to do to change my own heart. I've tried everything I can think of, but nothing works! I can change how I look...how I act...but I have no idea how to change how I feel. Please, Lord. Please change how I feel toward this person. Help me to stop feeling hate. Better yet, if you will, please help me to love her."

Oh boy, did he deliver!

I've seen miracles of provision. I've seen miracles of faith and healing. But this miracle? It seems the most amazing of all to me. I don't know if it will be as amazing to you because I don't think I have the proper words to fully describe my thoroughly ugly heart before and my thoroughly loving heart after God's work.

I can say with joy and thanksgiving that God changed my very heart. He changed how I felt. Does it seem that your feelings are beyond change or control? I'm here to testify that they are not.

I'm here to testify that a person I once hated, I now love. Truly and completely. I care about her. I feel like hugging her and crying with joy every time I see her. It's as if God took a small piece of his love for her, and simply put it in my heart. That love? It fixes a lot of ugliness. But it doesn't simply cover - it heals. That ugly wound of hatred in my heart was healed.

I've since had the privilege of apologizing to that woman. I had the joy of sharing with her what God had done in my heart (it was a joyful privilege, but I was trembling and crying the whole time I confessed to her and asked her forgiveness). I hope that she can feel my love for her...no, God's love through me...for her.

The reason for my sharing this with you is to encourage you. Do you have something in your life that you know shouldn't be there? Do you want to get rid of it, but don't know how? Maybe you know it's wrong, but there's a small part of you that doesn't really want to change? Or do you feel that there's no hope for that 'something' in your life...that it's just the way you are, the way you were born, the way you're meant to be?

I shared my story to let you know that there is always hope of healing in our wonderful Jesus. He can change what seems to be unchangeable. He can heal deep wounds that have been there for what seems forever, and with seemingly no hope of getting better. And if we don't really 100% want to change? He can still work on your heart. Even our willingness to be transformed can be something he gives us.

But we have to surrender those hurts, those sins, those heart and lifestyle conditions to him. I pray that you'll read this today and be encouraged and inspired to trust the One who made you and who loves you like no other. If you do, you'll never be disappointed by the results. He is trustworthy.

"As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul's heart, and all these signs were fulfilled that day." 1 Samuel 10:9 (emphasis mine)

"Blessed be God, the willing and the doing are from Him, and by faith you look to Him to do for you what you cannot do for yourself." (Fit For The Master's Use by F.B. Meyer)


Has God touched your heart in a healing way? Please share!



Seek The Lord Sunday Participants

1. Vanessa

2. Ida R

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Losing Myself  – (11/16/2008 02:07:00 PM)  

What a wonderful testemony of what God can do in ones life when we are willing to let Him. I have been blessed by your sharing.

weelassie  – (11/18/2008 10:00:00 AM)  

I think part of what helped that change occur is that you were willing to talk to that person and ask forgiveness. I wonder if the same change would have occured if you hadn't, because I can think of things I've prayed desperately for, but haven't taken much action on them, and I guess that's maybe why they're still a struggle.
Thanks for the post and reminders.

Daiquiri  – (11/18/2008 11:02:00 AM)  

Weelassie- I definitely think that an *act* of faith on our part can be very powerful in allowing God to work in our lives.

But in this case? I did not talk to her to confess or ask forgiveness until well after the change in my heart had taken place. I mean WELL after...like years after. And frankly, it wasn't something I really wanted to do, but was something I felt I had strong instruction to do. I'm glad I obeyed because (as it always is with God) I think it was a blessing for everyone involved.

But again, God did his thing in me. Period. It was independent of me and what I was willing/able to do...except to ask him to do it. It was not of me, but fully of him. Praise God :)

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