I haven't *really* written here in a long time. I've been so busy living and enjoying life, that I haven't wanted to take the time to really think about it....never mind talk about it. What is there to talk about anyway? Who wants to hear from someone go on and on about how wonderful everything is?
My business is a big part of why I'm so happy -- fulfilled and challenged and rewarded. It's revolutionized my life....new hope, something of value to offer people, and the joy of helping to provide for my family. But with this type of business, it's hard to talk about it without the listener thinking I want something from them. So I live my life out loud, and talk about business when friends ask how it's going, but otherwise....try to keep my tendency to gush on and on to a minimum. I like my friends, you see. I'd like to keep them around ;-)
It also keeps me busy. I stay home full time with my kiddos, which is my main passion....keeping my home, being wife to Luke, and loving on my babies is my full time "job" (talk about a great job!). And in my spare time, when I used to blog, I now build my R+F business. So it's a time issue too.
But I'm starting to see that there's another reason I haven't been writing....it's how I process. And I haven't wanted to let myself process. Why? Because I know I've gotten off track a bit.
Not a lot.
But a bit.
I know this because under all this joy and contentment, lies a twinge of fear. That little twinge has taken root, and has been growing. I feel it creeping in. Distancing me from the Source of Peace and Joy. Trying to keep me from really turning around and looking it dead in it's ugly face.
The fear of loss. The fear that comes when I love temporary things too much.
Tears of fear have been choking me too often lately. Swallowing them back down has become harder and harder.
Luke left for a trip this past week, and I cried when he left. But I wasn't crying because I would miss him....although I really really miss him. I was crying because I was AFRAID. I was certain that I was saying goodbye to him for the last time....that his plane would go down. I know - morbid. What is wrong with me?!
I visited my parents recently, and I cried when I got on the plane to go back home. This time, a lot of the crying had to do with missing them desperately....feeling like they need me and I need them like never before...and feeling helpless to do anything about it. But part of it was that fear again. What if something happens to one of them and I'm so far away?
Clara was up in the middle of the night last night with a fever and sore throat. I had nightmares of her having some terrible disease, and when she was the last one out of bed this morning, I had to go check on her to make sure she was still breathing.
Sammy has a field trip today, and I've seriously considered keeping her home. Surely, her zoo trip will result in her being abducted or maybe even attacked by a loose lion.
I have some minor out patient surgery planned for this month. It's scheduled for the day before the one year anniversary of Bernie's death. It's a sign. I'm going to die too.
Business is booming. Our future is bright and my partners are building thriving businesses. Surely it will all come crashing down at any moment.
And then this morning, I woke with one thing on my mind:
You of little faith, why are you so afraid?
But even this....instead of bringing me peace, brings me more fear.
So I turn to my Bible, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want...." More fear.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?" More fear.
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." More fear.
Only this time, I'm afraid of HIM. I'm afraid that my life is not pleasing to him...that my lack of faith which is resulting in this fear will be my destruction. Like He's going to have to teach me a lesson.
Where does this come from? He has NEVER shown Himself to be an angry or vindictive God to me. He has been nothing but mercy, and grace, and patience. And still....I'm afraid of Him. Afraid because I know He sees my true heart.
He sees my clenched fists as they hold so tightly to the things of this world. Surely, he will rip those things right out of my hands to force me to turn back to Him with my whole, yet broken, heart.
And yet, there is that gentle voice...the Holy Spirit telling me that I am wrong. That this fear is sin, and I must let it go....along with my desire to hold on with this white-knuckled grip.
I can still hold these precious blessings, but I need to get back to holding them in the palm of my open hand. This grip....it's exhausting. And these gifts....when I have my fingers wrapped around them so tightly, I can't really even see and enjoy them past the view of my throbbing fingers.
On my knees.
Arms held high.
Heart filled with Him and all He has planned for me.
This is how I want to live.
I want to live like I truly believe that He is good. I want to live like I believe He loves me and wants good for me. I want to live a life of freedom and joy in Him.
I do believe, Lord. Help my unbelief! Mark 9:24 I get it.
So this is me today....slowly and reluctantly opening these hands that have been working so hard to hold on to the things that I can't protect anyway.
Mom and Dad
They are yours, Lord. Thank you for blessing me with them...for this incredible abundance that I don't deserve. Please keep them and protect them. And my heart, Lord....it belongs to you too. Take up residence, sweep out the cobwebs of fear and anxiety and worry, and settle in to do Your work here. Fill me with a gift of faith and peace and joy so that I can say with my whole heart,
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.