I've started and re-started this post three times now. Don't really know where to start, but want to get this down for posterity's sake. For the sake of my children who might find themselves in this same strange situation. But I can not...will not...name names. It doesn't matter anyway.
>> Tuesday, September 14, 2010 – Parenting
"Kiss me goodnight, Mama"
(kiss)...smelly burp in the face from my child...
"I love you, Mama. Snuggle me."
(snuggle)...wiggle, squirm, elbow to the nose...
"I have a surprise for you. Close your eyes."
(closed)...kiss on the cheek...piercing pinch on the arm...
"I need this Mama. Will you do it for me please?"
Sure baby, here you go.
"I don't like it. Never mind."
Never mind? Never mind the three days I just put into doing this for you? Making it perfect?
"I need help. NO. LET ME DO IT!" screaming...
Okay, I don't know what do do.
Both...at the same time?
I don't know how to give you what you need, my sweet child.
You want my affection, so I give it. What you return is insult and physical pain.
You want my trust, so I give it. You return a little love, a little pain.
You want my help, so I give it. What you return is screaming and frustration.
You want me to leave you alone, so I do. You return is yet more screaming and frustration.
Is this how God feels? He wants to love us, wants us to love Him back. He continually reaches out and gives us what He knows we want and need. What we return is rebellion. We return ingratitude. We return bitterness. We return pain.
A strong willed child, that's what they say.
Just rest, my little one. Let me love you. Feel my arms around you and know you're safe.
Just accept this, my sweet. Let me do this for you. Know that I care for you.
A constant push...pull...push...pull
I love you....now get away from me.
I need you....let me do it myself.
I want you....I don't want to want you.
Don't help me....why did you let me fail?
Am I not doing this right? How is it that I don't know how to be what you need? I'm so afraid...for you...for me...for us. What will your future be if your own mother can't seem to love you 'right'?