Dying a Little Here

Set my alarm for 6 this morning so I'd have time to get up and shower before the kids roll out of bed at 7.  We have an 8:45 echocardiogram scheduled for my precious Benjamin.

So far, all the tests they've done have come back normal.  I know this should relieve me.  I don't really know why it doesn't.  Blue lips, maybe.  I can't get the picture of my son with blue lips out of my mind's eye.  I guess I've resigned myself to the idea that there's something....we just haven't found it yet.

There are other things going on in my life, I'm sure.  But I have no idea what they are.

I don't know if I have the faith for this.

Children get seriously sick every day.  Children die every day.  How does this planet continue to spin?  How do parents who've lost children raise their hands in praise instead of fists is fury?  I can't go there.

I'm told that we get the grace we need as we need it.  I don't have the grace for something big.  I guess I don't need it yet.  Maybe that's a good sign.

All I know is that if there's grace to be had just at the moment we're expected to step forward in faith, I can't go trying to take that step until it's time...until He's given me what I need.

I won't lie.  I'm scared.  I can't sit here and say "whatever God's will is for me, that's what I want".  I want my son healthy and strong.  Period.  And frankly, if that's not God's will for him, for us, then I'm not sure I can type what I think without turning to a pillar of stone right here and now.

UPDATE:  "The Word" in my sidebar caught my eye just now.  Taking comfort in this promise:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."  Isaiah 43:21

UPDATE:  My thoughts from the backside of this mountain:  Gettin' Back Up

Lisa  – (5/04/2010 07:11:00 AM)  

I am praying. Praying. Your heart is in God's hands — and so is Ben's.

Kirsty  – (5/04/2010 07:13:00 AM)  

Praying for the health of your Benjamin. I have a Benjamin too and I can imagine your anguish right now. Praying for your peace as you work to find answers. xo

Kaye  – (5/04/2010 08:32:00 AM)  

Thank you for your honesty. Praying for you and Ben.

Sheila  – (5/04/2010 09:09:00 AM)  

I'm sure I would feel exactly the same. I'm praying for you. God's grace will be sufficient.

1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

The same God who knows the very number of hairs on your head will not abandon you in this moment.

Anonymous –   – (5/04/2010 09:47:00 AM)  

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...hoping for the best.

Jessica  – (5/04/2010 10:42:00 AM)  

Darlin' Daiq, you know I'm right there with you. I understand your anguish and the path down which your thoughts are leading you...know that I am praying for that adorable, strong, brilliant boy. Ben's got a huge calling and will impact this world in ways none of us can comprehend. Stand on that promise!

Sharon  – (5/04/2010 01:31:00 PM)  

I just saw your posts from yesterday and today... I'M PRAYING for you and your family!! Right now, on my knees....

Anonymous –   – (5/04/2010 07:29:00 PM)  

Please keep us posted. Remember to follow your gut...no one knows Ben better than his Momma! Keep going until you find answers. Thanks for sharing!
Jodi Pederson

Missie  – (5/13/2010 01:02:00 PM)  

Aww, sweetie! I just now read all that happened (was in Canada for a week) and am so sorry for what you went through. I know these feelings. I KNOOOOOOOW these feelings. It's one thing to say "It is well with my soul" when the "it" has nothing to do with our babies. ;) That's not low faith, that's just reality.

I am so happy that you got a good report from the cardiologist. (Dr Walker? Because we've seen her about Alison, too.) But my heart hurts for your trial.

And always remember....the Internet is cheaper than therapy.

p.s. my word verif is "cycloa", which I think means "the cyclone of feelings which engulf parents when something happens to their kiddos." ;)

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