Boy, I haven't written in a long time! I have a long mental list of things I want to share with you, or at least get down on paper so my kids can read it someday, but I've been busy.
Busy doing a whole lot of nothing.
Okay - been sitting here staring at this screen for a while now. Where did all my words go?
I just have such a deep and overwhelming need to be quiet and still lately. It feels as if He took my words, my very thoughts, so that I can sit quietly and listen. But I keep thinking that I'm not hearing what He's trying to say despite my silence.
I'm left here in this quiet place...sitting in my favorite chair and watching the golden finches on my feeder...watching the clouds float in and then back out...just listening. Being here. It's not like I'm uneasy in this silence. Quite the contrary - my words are just flat GONE.
Did I have a stroke or something? Really - it's that consuming. Empty. My brain is just...empty.
Okay...enjoy this time of snickering and giggling. Many of you have probably known for years that there's a larger than normal void between my ears ;-)
My sweet Jesus has been close lately. At first, His presence is always wonderful and good. It's like an embrace from a loved one who I haven't seen for a while. It's sort of like coming home. Yeah, this is where I belong. How can He be so real - physically real, when I can't see Him?
But my joy of His nearness is always short lived. Immediately, my paranoid brain says "Wait, why are you here? What do you want? What are you trying to tell me? What are you trying to prepare me for? I'm scared!" And then I shoo Him out the door and try to get on with my "normal" life of being his child...from a safe distance.
Sometimes He stays despite my pitter-patter of fearful questions...and I just cry. Sometimes I just can't do anything but close my eyes and let the tears come for the joy of just being with Him.
Last night at church, I was standing there with my eyes closed during worship. I was looking to Him...at a loss for words. He's been near me long enough during this last week or so that I've exhausted all my questions and fears. I'm just waiting. Waiting for the revelation to come. Waiting for the tragedy to come. Waiting for the shoe to fall and crush me to bits.
As I sat there and just spent time with him while the words of worship washed over me, a single word bombarded my brain:
Yeah, yeah, I know, you love me.
But you know what? I don't think I do. Not really. Not way down deep where it can change me and heal me and make me whole. Not where it takes away my fears. Not where I feel truly safe.
Is that what you have for me here in this quiet place? Did you stick around through my babbling and crying and fears and trying to shoo you away to show me just how near you can be? That you are near because you love me? Not to prepare me for a terrible and painful something that always seems to haunt me? Maybe you didn't just save me...maybe you aren't just doing a good work in me...maybe you want to just embrace me and bless me with your nearness...maybe you love me? Love. Me.
It doesn't make sense. Don't you know who I am? I'm bossy. I'm proud. I'm sinful. I'm selfish. I scream and holler. I'm fearful. I worry. I covet. I criticize. And the things I've done...oh, the things I've DONE. What are you doing with ME? You love ME?
It doesn't seem possible.
Here I am without words again. Maybe it's time for all of this to just sink in a bit.