*FAIR WARNING* This is a woe-is-me post full of whining. If you're looking for a good laugh, this is not the place for you today (I recommend you Google "sleeping dog runs into wall video" - makes me laugh every time). If you're looking for the real Daiquiri here and now, then brace yourself. I'm in dire need of a vacation.
The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of ...life. Just plain life. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. My kids are cranky. My house is a mess. My "to do" list is gigantic. I feel fat and ugly at every level. Clearly, I'm not doing this right. Clearly, I'm focusing my energy in the wrong areas.
A few indicators that something has to give:
- I just took a shower. For the first time in days. I HATE not having a shower each day. How did I not manage to take the time to do something so simple and SO necessary?
- I've been staying up until midnight and getting up at 7. For some people, that might be enough sleep. For me, about 10 hours is barely enough. I haven't been getting enough.
- "Hannah Montana, The Movie" made me bawl like a baby last night. What the heck...
- I'm quite certain that I've consumed more calories in iced mochas than in actual food in the past two weeks. I can't remember the last time I've actually eaten a vegetable.
- I also can't remember the last time I've taken the time to exercise in any form. Or to just stretch. I feel like a hunchback from sitting in front of this computer for so many hours.
- I can't remember the last time I've taken a photo just for the sheer joy of it. The last time I tried to take a picture of one of my own kids it was all I could do to keep from screaming "JUST HOLD STILL AND QUIT HORSING AROUND SO I CAN TAKE A STINKING PICTURE!!!" Burn out? Maybe.
- I'm on the verge of running away. As if running away will fix a single thing. Every time something happens that rocks my unsteady little boat I think "Let's move. Start over. I don't know or care where. Let's just get the hell out of here."
- Don't talk to me about money. I'll just start to cry.
- My own perfectionism is killing me. KILLING me. I'm so sick of ME. Can't I just be someone else for a little while? Someone who doesn't care if the floor isn't scrubbed, or that the photo isn't quite right because I had the aperture set wrong, or that my Christmas shopping isn't even started yet?
- Luke was good enough to take ALL of the kids with him to the store this morning. I thought it would be a good time to get some uninterrupted housework done. Instead, the words spilling from the radio...a worship song, brought me to sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and sobbing like I haven't done in a long time.
- Great. I just started crying again at the mere thought of taking a moment to simply BE in His presence. Less of me, more of Him. That's what I need.
There is good news though - we're leaving for vacation TOMORROW. Praise God. We're going to Wisconsin for a week, and do you know what we're going to do while we're there? I have no earthly idea! For all I know, we'll sit around while the kids set puzzles and play Uno. We'll drink wine and eat wonderful food. I'll even help make the wonderful food without thinking about all the housework or fun kids' projects of photo stuff I should be doing. We have no plans, and I'm thrilled about that.
Sorry to leave on such a sour note. I'd prefer to offer some tidbit of inspiration or joy or...something positive. But as it is, I can't even think of a way to wrap up this post.