On Being Real...

Oh, I just hate it when I know there's something I'm supposed to be praying and thinking about, but I don't want to do it because it hurts too much. Ever feel that way? You can pretty much always tell when there's something up with me because I start posting about nothing but pretty flowers and yummy recipes. I blog, but I don't say a whole lot. I'm not real. So here's me being real...

My best friend is expecting a baby TOMORROW. She and her family have been through an incredible amount of loss when it comes to growing their family. Adoptions that have fallen through after they've come to love the children. Babies that never made it home. I won't go into detail here...it's not really my story to share anyway.

My kids went to her house mid morning yesterday to see if her girls could play. No one was home. They kept trying, but there was never an answer at the door. Finally, around 2:00, I realized that she had an appointment with her doctor that day. A cold wave of fear and dread washed over me, and I instantly panicked and started crying. It was unlike her to have a doctor's visit and not call to tell me that all was well. I immediately assumed that something had gone wrong, and that she was at the hospital. Or worse.

I began praying my heart out. I begged. I pleaded. I demanded. I cried. I got mad, "Oh no you don't! You can't let this happen to them again!" And all of this in the first, oh, 5 minutes that I realized that something was wrong. The cycle of pleading and praying and crying continued for the next hour.

I called her. No one home, so I left a message. A desperate, tearful, "Please call me and tell me that everything is alright" message.

I didn't know what else to do but wait. I grabbed my cell phone and headed out the door to do my errands as planned.

Mercy upon mercies...as I pulled out of my driveway, I saw her car in a friend's drive. I was so relieved I could almost not draw a breath. I drove down the block, got out of the car, and went to give her a hug. She was beaming and excited. Everything had gone well at her appointment...which was at 1:00 (instead of a morning appointment as I thought).

After getting a good look at her and putting my mind and heart at ease, I got back into my car.

Shame washed over me. Why? Why do I fear so much? I know that my life (and my friend's life and baby) are in God's capable hands. But why can't I fully trust Him and His plan? I always think I'm trusting Him...but then, in a flash, I think the sky is falling and all I do is fret and cry and beg and blame and get angry. Why can't I rest in the knowledge that He's taking care of me in the good and the bad times?

I feel so weak. So hypocritical. I write and write on this blog about how big, awesome, perfect, and loving our God is...and then I sit here and stew in my fear. This is not what God wants for me! He wants me to trust Him. He wants me to rest in Him. He wants peace for me. So why is it so hard for me to let go and let Him give me that rest and peace?

I don't have the answer.

And you know what else? Part of me doesn't want to trust Him too much because then I'm afraid that my trust...my faith...will be tested. Testing is painful. Testing means loss. I don't want to be tested! But then again, I fear not trusting Him too, because then...I don't know...am I going to be punished for not trusting? It's a vicious circle.

I'm sure that part of it is Satan. Heck, I just wrote a lengthy post about what a great deceiver he is! He's probably got this weak spot of mine figured out. He's the one who whispers fear and dread into my heart as I lay my babies in their beds at night and pray that we'll have another day tomorrow. He's the one who suggests so cleverly that I deserve to be punished and that these blessings are too got to last.

So what should I do? Putting on my armor, praying, reading the Word is part of it. But I think there's more.

As I type, I'm reminded of Psalm 23. You know the part where it says, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil"?

Notice that is says "I will fear no evil". It does not say, "I have no reason to fear." It does not say, "God will make it so I don't fear." It does not say, "I hope I do not fear."

I. will. not. fear.

It's a choice. I must choose to not fear. I have to take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ...to the obedience of who He is and who I am in Him. I have to make a deliberate choice to not fear.

Sure, it makes sense. I know it's true. But I have no idea how to do it.

So tonight I'm going to pray. I'm going to ask forgiveness for not trusting Him more. I'm going to pray that my friend, her baby, and every other good and perfect gift in my life will be safe. I'm going to pray that I can...with all my heart and soul...offer those good and perfect things up to God and just put them in His hands. No matter what. No matter the loss. And I'll try to trust that there will be enough of God's grace to cover me if the worst should happen.

If you think of it, would you pray for me too?

Okay, now I've been real. Back to recipes and flowers...

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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Untypically Jia  – (8/13/2008 10:16:00 PM)  

You know you're in my prayers hun. You nailed it right on the head though. We want to trust Him, and we do when times are good, but when we know that we can be tested, we don't want to trust because we don't want to suffer, even if we know things will always turn out okay in the end (and by end I don't meant here on earth).

Not knowing what He has planned is scary. Sometimes I think about trusting God like those couples therapy things you see on tv where they ask one spouse to be blindfolded and fall backwards, trusting that their spouse will catch them. I know my husband would catch me of course, but there's still a part of me that might try to catch myself if I go too far.

Marlayna  – (8/13/2008 11:28:00 PM)  

Hugs Daiq... I find myself doing the same thing, not practicing what I preach. But you learned something today, that is what God has in store for us to learn and learn about Him and learn to live for Him. That is why we are here, to learn. Don't be ashamed, God knew this would happen.

I have a friend who lost 2 babies in 1 1/2 years to still birth. So tragic and I asked God why? Why? WHY? I hadn't questioned God like that since my spiritual journey started, I had complete faith in His plan. It is all a lesson for us to learn to have faith.

Sheila  – (8/14/2008 09:16:00 AM)  

It was interesting to read this, because I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday. I am so frustrated with myself for my lack of trust in God. It is not where I want to be in my life. Thank you for posting this. It is helpful to know that I'm not the only one, and it is also helpful to know how you are trying to improve this. I feel that I need to fall down and ask His forgiveness, because hasn't He been so good to me? And yet, thanks be to God, because He is so patient and loving with us. You are in my prayers.

gemma  – (8/14/2008 05:24:00 PM)  

Funny how this is in keeping with my life too. I woke up to the radio message of Chuck Swindoll...please go to his site..I know, I sound like an ad but honestly...his message this morning was so amazing it was called encouraging words for discouraging days and it really had to do with your and my and it sounds like everyone else's dilemma.

Love your blog.....

Kimmie  – (8/14/2008 06:28:00 PM)  

Hi Daiquiri~

Sounds like the line of communication is open(prayer), sounds like your heart attitude is right (humble)-sometimes the lessons God is bringing us is deeper than we've grasped and His desire is that we get our hearts, minds and souls around it-so we can grow from faith to faith and from glory to glory.

Seek Him on it-ask Him what it is that leaves you pondering His faithfulness. He will tell you, but remember the devil knows you are in the midst of a lesson from the Lord and his greatest ploy is distraction....don't get distracted and miss out on all that He has for you.

You asked where we are from...Ct...the pictures of the lake were from Vt...we have a wee castle there, which some might call a shack, but we call home.

And...always best to give all of your heart without reserve, this is where the greatest blessings pour out...(in regards to foster care, or any other care)-I think I've heard,'Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.' Life is risk-take it with JOY!

I love Hallie too! I am lucky to have here for a girlfriend in real life.

Kimmie
mama to 6
one homemade and 5 adopted

Jamie in Rose Cottage  – (8/14/2008 06:41:00 PM)  

Great post. Hits me close to home, too. Thanks for sharing.

Amy  – (8/14/2008 07:52:00 PM)  

eek I hate fear! Unfortunately it's just one of those natural things we tend to have but yeah God doesn't want us to be fearful. It's great that you prayed about it.

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