He Made Me Like This on Purpose?!


I was just cleaning up some files on my computer, and came across a document titled "Lessons From Kids". I opened it up, and couldn't believe that I'd forgotten about that file! It was filled with all sorts of sweet stories from when my older kids were smaller, and it brought back such great memories. It turns out that it was perfect for me to find tonight, because I've been feeling so...discontent...so mediocre.

Part of my problem is that I've been reading lots of blogs lately. Instead of feeling inspired or encouraged or energized, I feel - I don't know - less than "them" somehow. Less artsy. Less of a good mom. Less of a good friend. Less of a good Christian (whatever that means, anyway). Just less.

But after reading through that file I mentioned above, I'm suddenly feeling much better. One of the "lessons" I wrote about way back when was just what I needed to be reminded of tonight. I decided to share it with you just in case you could use the reminder too. Here it is:

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My little baby boy is almost 4 years old. He has stayed home with me since the day he was born, but is spending more and more time away from home and with his little buddies and at preschool lately. He's blossomed into a considerate, social little man and I am so very proud of him. But he's developed one behavior that bothers me terribly: he started laughing with a goofy, fake laugh that he describes as “really cool”. I don’t know who he learned it from, but I don’t like it.

It struck me one day that it’s really just an innocent thing, so why does it bother me so much when he does it? I spent some time thinking about it, and I finally realize that it bothers me because it simply isn’t Ben’s laugh. I miss his genuine giggle. I cringe every time I hear that fake laugh…it just isn’t him.

I wonder how often our Father cringes to see us behaving in a way that he knows is just not us? We may think it makes us look intelligent, grown up…”really cool”, but the Lord knows us better than anyone. He knows when we are being genuine and when we’re faking it or trying to be like someone we're not. I wonder if he feels as disappointed as I do when I’m missing Benjamin’s real laugh?

Instead of living my life to be what I think other people might like or expect…instead of living my life to be even what I might like or expect…I want to live my life in a way that does honor to the person my Father made me to be. At the end of the day I just want to be His kid. I know He loves me just as I am. In fact, He made me like this on purpose and He'd miss the real me if I were anything else.

Anonymous –   – (1/06/2008 09:35:00 PM)  

Daiq,
You have such insight, you amaze me. That really touched my heart. I too have become addicted to reading blogs lately (something I never thought I would say) and feeling the same way, just inadequate. Not good enough, not creative enough, etc. Exactly what you are saying. It brought me such comfort to be reminded that God actually did make me the way I am on purpose. Thanks! Jen

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